This is a very special time for me. A time that can be chaotic and completely insane or wonderously full of joy and splendor, depending on how long it takes the valium to kick in. For the most part, I think it might be safe to say that out of all the winter holiday periods, this one right now would have to be my favorite…except for a couple brief points here and there.

Allow me to explain… Christmas is obviously very stressful for many of us, having to deal with our relatives and other folk who we normally don’t see but twice a year, and while immersed in this stress-laden environment, sometimes we may tend to overlook certain concepts and details that would otherwise knock us off our feet in disgust during any other time of year. As a writer, I’m fortunate enough to be free and clear of the whole gift-giving ideology because everyone knows that we tend to fall a step below the poverty-line, so I’ve got a bit of free time on my hands during the day…just enough time to compile a list, such as the one below, of some things that we all might keep in the back of our minds this holiday season…

• If anything can turn your average, dysfunctional holiday around, it’s a plate of freshly-baked Christmas cookies…works EVERY time.
• Unless you hate me, please refrain from getting me socks or underwear for Christmas…or anything else practical, for that matter!
• Quick Tip – Guy Gifts: the awesomeness of the gift is directly proportional to the amount of flashing lights and buttons it has, divided by the time it’s going to take us to put it together. (extra points for every language over three that’s present in the instruction manual)
• Quick Tip – Gal Gifts: anything that’s furry, fluffy or smells like fruit is going to bring a smile to her face, and that just might very well be worth the death-defying trip into your local Bed, Bath and Beyond…
• While Christmas cookies aren’t a substitute for getting me a crappy gift, they do act as a great supplement to help ease the pain… (pay attention – more goodies this year!!!)
• I’m no more of a dumbass than you are for putting my holiday shopping off until the last minute, so quit complaining and just tell me which aisle you found the damn Furbees in.
• If you just happen to run into Santa (or one of his helpers) in the pub while Christmas shopping at the mall, instead of giving him a lecture about drinking while working with children, put yourself in his boots for a minute and just buy the man a round – it’s really the least you can do!
• Take it from a guy who’s been there – if you can’t operate your garage door opener while the Christmas lights are on, you may need to re-think your electrical scheme…
• Skeptics (such as your family/friends/significant other) may tell you that your holiday decorations are getting out of hand, or that you’re not going to be able to afford the electric bill next month, or that the lights are blinding them as they’re trying to pull into the garage. They are nothing but jealous fools who don’t truly understand the meaning of Christmas…unless they’ve got a plate of cookies waiting for you when you finally come inside – then and only then is there still hope of them coming around.
• I like to consider myself a fairly charitable guy – I never turn down the kids with their school fundraisers, I make sure to grab a few extra toys for the drop box when I’m shopping, and somehow I always end up finding a whole handful of checks that have been written to various organizations by the end of the year, so if I may make but one request: CAN WE PLEASE LAY OFF WITH THE BELL-RINGERS OUTSIDE EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ STORE I SHOP AT ALREADY?!
• Holiday parties are often awkward and unpleasant, and no doubt between work, friends and your significant other, you’re pretty well booked for the next several weeks, but all is not lost…yet. Just remember that there’s no gathering that can take you down when you’ve got a conference table full of Christmas cookies and an open bar on your side…
• No matter how good you feel at the time, it’s never a good idea to ask the boss’s wife to dance at the company Christmas party. She may seem, well, hotter and easier than usual at the time, but when everyone finally sobers up, she’ll come to her senses, he’ll still be your boss and nothing helps a hangover like your boss screaming at you for three hours the next day…
• It’s just a general rule that the larger the vehicle barreling down the road is, the worse of an idea it is to pull out in front of it…
• When I drive down your street and you happen to be snow-blowing your driveway, it’s polite to stop for a second and let me pass if you’re facing the road. You’d be amazed how a rock through the windshield can really ruin a man’s holiday spirit…
• No matter how much of a hurry you’re in, if it snowed pretty hard the night before, make at least some effort to clean out the driveway before you attempt to pull your car out of the garage. It’s always deeper than it really looks and if you can’t get to the mailbox without a shovel, neither can your Festiva. Just trust me on this one!
• Personally I’ve never done it, but I’m sure that snowmobiling is an absolute riot…at least it sure sounds like it is for you and your drunken buddies who choose to zip down my street at three in the morning at 80 mph night after night. Although snowmobiles aren’t allowed within the city limits, neither are shotguns, so you do the math…
• Freeway Rule #1: If you see lights in the distance, slow down. If you see large amounts of traffic in the distance, slow down. If you can’t see the distance, SLOW DOWN!!! Being part of a 150-car pile-up sucks.
• Slow the HELL down!!! They call it black ice because YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IT AND BARE PAVEMENT – if it’s cold, it’s probably there…
• When you’re standing on the side of the freeway, staring down at your brand-new truck and snowmobile trailer upside-down in the ditch, don’t expect me to feel sorry for you. (See above.)
• But trust me on the Christmas cookies…