With Thanksgiving right around the corner and then the Big Momma of them all just weeks away, it seems like there’s only one thing on people’s minds – the United States’ continued political involvement in Afghanistan. Well, that and shopping, and based on my vast knowledge in foreign affairs, I bet you can already guess which one I’m going to be discussing today…not that keeping everyone up-to-date on the cave people isn’t important and all, but hey, they’ve got nothing on The Flintstones so I’ve found that it’s just best to focus my efforts elsewhere…

It’s a common fact that the next thirty days are going to be the largest shopping days of the year, which means that if you’re a guy, I sure hope that you stocked up on the essentials (beer, nachos and toilet paper…) ahead of time because you’d have to be out of your mind to head out into the storm before Hurricane Charge-It has a chance to dissipate over the next two months or so. On the other hand, the women of our species will, on average, be spending approximately 92% of their waking hours over the next several weeks in various department stores, shopping malls and outlet centers in search of the greatest deals on the planet, some of them even taking their own money on occasion! (ok, not really!) You would think after investing all of this time and energy, only the finest gadgets and doo-dads would end up under our trees and in our stockings, but that’s not exactly what happens, is it?

Nope! Instead we end up getting scratchy wool sweaters and more pairs of socks than anyone could ever possibly wear and wall-mounted, singing fish…although I’m not completely against the singing fish! I once thought that people did their holiday shopping based on what they’d like to receive for themselves, but I honestly don’t see how anyone could pick-up the baseball hat with the 3d duck that sticks out of it and occasional quacks at passer-bys that I got last year and think, “Yes, this is it! He’s going to absolutely love this, and even if he doesn’t, he can always give it to me!” Granted, I understand that it’s tough to avoid some of the hideous clothing because your relatives make it themselves and simply have bad taste, such as in my Aunt Mabel’s case, who is still convinced that I consistently wear the sweatshirt with the bright pink embroidered unicorn on it that she gave me six years ago. Funny how it’s always in the dirty clothes hamper when she stops by because “I just wore it yesterday, actually…” isn’t it?

We even try to make it as easy as possible for them, making lists and casually dropping sale fliers where they’ll find them during breakfast, but nine times out of ten there’s a huge deal for thong underwear or something on the same page and it ends up just confusing them even further, and don’t think that circling your selections or doing something crazy like that will help because I’ve tried that, too! It seems like anything short of going to the store with them puts us right in the express line to Crapsville, and even that’s not worth risking your life for the way things have been going out there lately. I’ve read stories of people getting trampled, elderly ladies getting knocked down flights of stairs, and that’s even before they get out of the house! It would be a safe guess that the only way to get what you really want this holiday season would be to schedule in a stop at the hospital in advance, but luckily for all of us, there’s still one last hope – the gift receipt.

Just a small slip of paper, nearly identical to any other receipt one might receive while shopping, except for one minor alteration – the gift receipt has “If you really think my gift sucks, and you probably will, then go ahead and return it here for something you might actually want…” written in big, red letters across the top. Ok, it actually is mostly likely just missing a price or something, but it might as well say this, too, and I don’t think that it’s such a bad thing because it means that the person is at least a little considerate about your own needs! It’s more of a reality-call than anything else because they realize that their gift-giving abilities are severely lacking, and they’ve always got the good old “It’s the thought that counts…” BS-line to fall back on, but at the same time they’re being realistic because they realize that you don’t need another food dehydrator or pasta maker – you don’t even cook! In fact, as far as I’m concerned, the cashiers shouldn’t even give you the option of taking a gift receipt when you’re checking out – they should be distributed automatically during the holidays, no matter if you’re just purchasing a couple CDs or an Ab-Tronic fitness system. There’s really no harm in giving the things out, and you’re even doing a public service to those few who think they still do have good taste…and are buying their fifteen-year-old grandson the latest Hanson album to prove it…

Holiday gift-giving can be a arduous task and very few of us can make it through without at least one major breakdown along the way…ever wonder why you’re seeing more and more pubs located inside shopping malls lately? Nevertheless, it gets us all presents, even if it is in a roundabout way, and I can hardly argue with that! Besides, I guess it wouldn’t really be Christmas if we didn’t get to go back to the office the next day and brag to see who got the most ridiculous gifts this year, followed in masses by the ceremonial returning to the original zone of misconceived intentions to choose a more worthwhile gift, or at least something without an embroidered animal on it. Hear that, friends and family?! This year, let’s just think calm, rational, cool thoughts, stay away from the embroidered farm animals, or better yet – let’s just stay out of the clothing section in general, and we’ll get through this thing just fine…