Of all the holidays that we have to deal with throughout the year, I think most men would agree that Valentine’s Day is easily the most trying of them all. “Why should it be so trying – it’s an opportunity to celebrate the one you love,” I’m told by countless numbers of women. Well, I think our friend Bobby Slayton explains the male perspective the best,
“Of course women like Valentine’s Day – it’s your day. You get flowers, candy, jewelry, dinner, perfume – what do we get? We get to buy you all of this shit! It’s not our day; if we had a day…”
And so on! (a few of you know where that bit goes from there…) Guys view Valentine’s Day as a test, and I’ve never been the kind of person who cares much for tests. Dating back to the beginning of time, when the folks at Hallmark were still using stone tablets, V-Day has always been a horrendous test for the male species, judging just how long you’d like to have your significant other pissed off at you. There are no right answers and the only true measure of how one actually performs in the Valentine’s Day ordeal is the amount of time spent alone on the couch afterwards…
That having been said, you’re all probably wondering what you can do to beat the system or cheat on this test. Well, although I don’t necessarily condone cheating, per se, I do have a great amount of sympathy for my common man and feel compelled from a journalistic standpoint to offer some words of advice. Keep in mind, though, that although it may sound like I know what I’m talking about, chances are pretty good that your girlfriend and I aren’t operating on the same wavelength – and if by chance we are, I call dibs for the next time you screw up! Nevertheless, here are my tips for a safe and pleasant gift-giving experience this February:
- Buy Her Something – As easy as it would seem for me to just tell you to blow off the entire thing, this is not a good idea!!! Obviously you’ve managed to find something worthwhile in this woman, so at least get her something. Gum is nice.
- Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Budget – Hey, we’ve all got one and unless your name is Bill Gates, a ritzy evening down Sunset Blvd. surely can’t be expected. She already knows you’re a cheapskate, so don’t be afraid to treat her to McDonald’s – just be sure to offer to supersize it…
- Flowers Are an Easy Out – Your local flower shop wasn’t built simply to give your 95-year-old neighbor something to hang out, so use it! If you’re afraid of any enclosed place offering the sale of pansies and baby’s breath, 7-11 always has a terrific selection, plus you can grab a bite to eat at the same time.
- Save Your Receipts – Although prostitution is technically illegal here in the United States, let’s all be realistic – we live in a capitalistic society and in the end, we are simply exchanging all of these flowers, chocolates and lingerie for love, companionship, and hopefully sex. If you are ever unsatisfied with your purchase, you’re entitled to a complete refund, but only if you have a receipt!
- Never Go Shopping Alone – There are actually a few points within this one. First of all, it’s common knowledge that for safety’s sake, you should always take a buddy anywhere you go. Second, if you bring a buddy along, it’s nice to have a second opinion to tell you you’d be an idiot to spend that kind of money. And finally, you’ll need help to cover both sides of the mall when you’re scouting for chicks. My personal friend of choice for this journey is none other than Jack Daniels. Maybe you’ve heard of him?
Above anything else, I can simply say Don’t Worry Over It!!! Better people have died over lesser things, or something like that, and really, what’s the worst she can possibly do? If celebrating Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about honoring the love of your life, when was the last time you got flowers, candy, a pat on the back or even a little warm water leftover in the shower? What comes around goes around, so I suggest strongly considering the previous days and weeks of your relationship when making your choice. If she’s made your life hell, then maybe she needs a little vacation to cool-off, by herself, on a one-way ticket…
As one might guess, I’ll be enjoying this festive holiday alone this year and honestly, I think I can get by just fine. I’ve already got the whole day planned: first I’ll surprise myself with a singing telegram at work, just because I think it would be funny as hell. Then I cut out from work early so that I can pick up a romantic dinner of pizza and a six-pack on the way home. I’ll also make a trip to the video store to pick up a couple DVDs to get me in the mood – The Godfather, Die Hard 3 and, if things go as planned (wink, wink), Sorority Secrets Unraveled…
You can only imagine, it might get a little racy at this point and it wouldn’t be proper for me to continue. Chances are, though, if it goes anything like my previous experiences, I’ll be skipping out in the morning to an early business meeting before I actually wake up, and I’d be willing to bet that I’m not even going to call like I said I would, either! Sure, I may wait by the phone night after night, sobbing and drinking gin by the bottle, but the phone never will ring. I’m sure I’ll already be out there again, working the scene and hunting for fresh meat, completely oblivious to my own tender feelings. Soon there will be another me, another pizza, and ultimately another heart ache.
Wow, she was right – I really am a bastard…