Due to the overwhelming amounts of correspondence I get in regards to romantic escapades and how to score in general, I thought that it might be fitting to spread the love in a slightly larger forum and address some of your most popular questions to the masses. Ok, that and I thought it might be kind of entertaining to poke fun at the shortcomings of others…I’m like that from time to time! Anyways, I could go on and on, but instead let’s just jump right to our first e-mail…
I need your help – my girlfriend won’t have sex with me anymore, and it’s not like I haven’t been trying! It seems like every night when she gets home from her shift at the diner, it’s either “I’m too tired…” or “…seriously, I’m just too tired…” or “Damn it, John – I’m not screwing around this time!”
I mean, I understand that she works really hard putting in sixty hours a week and all, but I have needs, too. It took me nearly three weeks to get to the end of the fourth vortex in Pogo the Monkey IV: Pogo’s Revenge, so it’s not like I’ve just been sitting around all day doing nothing! All I can say is that I need some lovin’ really bad – what should I do?
Sincerely Not Getting Any,
Well brother, I know exactly how you feel – your girlfriend won’t have sex with me anymore, either! Just between you and me, I think it might be about time to start outsourcing those sexual relations, if you know what I mean… I’ve actually done the math and a moderately-priced lady of the night is, believe it or not, much cheaper than financing a girlfriend of your own on a long-term basis…as long as you don’t overdue her services, of course!
But seriously, though, it does sound like you have a real problem on your hands. In one corner, we find your girlfriend keeping her love nuggets bundled up like an Afghanistan beauty queen because she’s tired of working her ass off (figuratively speaking) while you just sit around all day. Opposite this sex denizen in disguise, we have you – a lazy, twenty-something who’s been enjoying a free ride for as long as anyone can remember, yet doesn’t understand why some of the more lucrative benefits of the adult life don’t fit into such a routine. The answer, however, is actually quite simple – get a job, you lazy bastard! I’d be pissed, too, if I were stuck serving luke-warm coffee to horny truckers all day while my partner sat at home stuffing his face and watching Judge Judy! Don’t worry – there are actually plenty of jobs where you can still sit around for the majority of the day and collect a paycheck – try your local shopping mall for starters.
You might want to consider bathing once in a while, too…
This is a little embarrassing…I don’t really know of a subtle way to start, so I’m just going to say it – I think my baby may actually be a man.
What should I do?
Now before I begin, let me just get something out of the way first – hahahahahaha!!!
I’m sorry, but I just find it really funny that your girlfriend is packing heat…possibly even more than you are yourself! Somebody’s got shit for luck…
But I’m supposed to be helping with your problem, aren’t I? Well, for starters, before you make any drastic assumptions, you need to find yourself some definite proof that she’s a stud, and I don’t just mean that she sits around drinking beer all day and can still manage to bench-press more than you! Of course, I have no idea how you’re going to conduct this investigation – there’s definitely a limit as to just how involved I’m willing to get here – but I should also point out that it’s also kind of important that she doesn’t figure out what you’re investigating, that is if you ever want to be seen in public with her again! Nonetheless, it is quite obvious what you need to do if the results come up otherwise – run like hell and pray that she wasn’t on the track team in high school…
All in the same, though, having a masculine chick around the house doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, either! It’s always nice to have somebody who can help you move furniture, open the pickle jar, or rebuild the engine in that heap of junk outside that you refer to as a car. Just something to consider…
Although Still Not Completely Over the Fact That You’re Dating a Man,
Want to increase the size of your love tool by as much as 4500%?! Now you can with my all-new, completely natural miracle salve and for a very limited time, Herculean-size tube can be yours for the low, low price of only $99. That’s right – for less than a single C-note, your trouser snake can become the anaconda you’ve always dreamed of…so what are you waiting for?!?!?!?
Just send me your credit card number and I’ll be sure to rush your order right out! Hope to hear from you soon, Sugar!
As great as your product sounds, I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything but I’m already pretty endowed in that particular area. *wink* *wink* Yes, that’s right – it’s been said that my own Little Giant occasionally blocks out the sun on a crisp, autumn afternoon and has left dozens, if not hundreds of women with smiles like rainbows.
Wait a minute…4500%, eh? Errr, please rush three industrial-sized buckets to my office immediately – the check’s in the mail…
Hopefully I’ve been able to help at least three or four thousand of you with your problems! If you’ve got something bothering you, however, that I haven’t addressed yet, feel free to send it my way and I’ll be sure to include it in the near future! In the meantime, keep your stick on the ice, your head out of your ass, and your web browser locked on your favorite humor site…
…hopefully this one!