Ahhh, the final nail in the coffin, the icing on the cake, the last swing before the knock out is official. Although supposedly backed by the best of intentions, no words have ever been more of a smack in the face to anyone just getting out of a relationship…besides “I’ve been sleeping with your brother…” that is! Friendship – sure, it sounds like a great idea, but what do we honestly expect will become of this newfound relationship? Does it ever stand to even compare to the days of prancing through the wildflowers, endless nights cuddling down by the pier, and other assorted romantic gestures that you’ve previously shared with this person? Wake up, Romeo!

Of course, I don’t really think that either party can accept more of the blame – the woman for suggesting the idea in the first place or the man for actually believing it. (Sure, it could go the other way hypothetically, but who are we really kidding here?) Don’t get me wrong – in theory, an everlasting friendship between two individuals would be great…the kind of story that Lifetime movies are based on…and if both of those involved actually wanted to still be friends, then maybe this script would have a chance! But no, I think it’s safe to say that honesty and integrity are sent promptly out the nearest window when this line is whipped out because both the man and the woman have very different things on their mind and neither one of them has anything to do with friendship…

The woman, on one hand, it seems to be all for the idea of friendship because it lifts a tremendous burden from her back. Whereas before she found herself feeling absolutely awful due to the fact that she had just ripped out the heart of the man she loved, leaving him cold and lifeless, the break-up now doesn’t seem like such a bad thing because, really, they haven’t truly broken up in the most literal sense of the term – they’re still friends, mind you! Granted, not necessarily friends whom will ever associate with one another again in this lifetime, but nonetheless friends enough to at least help lessen any sense of guilt she might have obtained from the ending of this relationship and allow her to move on and love again…probably within only a few days or a week tops, knowing her!

The man, however, sees this picture in a completely different light – one of hope, and promise, and a chance that he might still be getting some booty from this woman in the future! Let’s face it – most guys have never really been hell-bent on being friends with women in the first place without the obvious precursor to sexual adventure, so why would things be any different here? I’m going to let you in on a little secret here – in the mind of the common man, sex is the last thing to go, and after that, we’re nothing more than an empty shell. When the question does eventually come up – “Can we still be friends?” (read: “Can we still have sex?”), of course we’re going to go along with the idea! What did you expect, that we’re just going to give up our last lifeline and call it quits?!

Watching as the independent third party (maybe a close friend or family member), however, it’s plain to see that there won’t be much of any interaction in the future between these two, not to mention sex in particular, so we find ourselves asking the age-old question, “Where in the hell did I leave my car keys?” Oops, wrong age-old question…how about, “Why do they even bother?” Yeah, that’s the ticket! It seems that there’s already so much false sentiment floating around already, between Hollywood and politicians and family reunions – would it just kill us to be honest with one another for a minute, rather than prolonging years upon years of unintended pain and suffering? Come on – prove to the rest of the world that we’re not completely reckless with the emotions of everyone around us…

Friendship is one of the few things in this world that is still genuine and it becomes blatantly obvious to everyone around when you’re faking it, so wouldn’t it be easier to just throw in the towel, admit that you screwed up, and get on with your life? I mean, really – things are never going to be the same between the two of you after this, no matter how hard you try. The lazy Sunday afternoons which always seemed to find you driving around those same eight city blocks, listening to that same crappy New Kids on the Block tape over and over again…those late nights spent watching cheesy b-movies and gorging yourselves with cheese popcorn and Mountain Dew until you could barely move…that night when you got so drunk that you and your buddies lit the math teacher’s lawn on fire and she had to come bail you out of jail – yes, those times were great, but they’re in the past now and trying desperately in vain to recreate those memories with your new friend will just end up driving you to your wit’s end. At the end of the night, after you’ve had all of the wacky hijinks two people can have in a single evening, she’s still the woman who decided that she prefers the company of others to your exclusive company…and she’s still not going to have sex with you, either!

So what now? I don’t know – why do you keep turning to me, of all people, for dating advice, anyways?! I guess I’m going to leave this one in your hands…because I’m not going to take the blame when your own plans backfire! Between you and me, though – this is one decision that a guy (or gal) has to make on his own, without any footnotes from the class clown, if you know what I mean. Most people aren’t able to pull off the friendship after relationship deal – it’s that plain and simple, but if you think that you might just be the exception, well then who am I to stand in the way of evolution? Likewise, none of us are going to even consider giving you a cross look for choosing not to remain friends with your ex – regardless of what the soaps may tell you, life does go on and there’s a good chance that you might find another woman who enjoys your company in the future…maybe even one who will have sex with you! Whatever you decide to do, just remember to play your conscious, try to keep yourself thinking one step ahead of the game, and most importantly – always wear a cup…just because she’s your friend doesn’t mean that the twins are suddenly out of bounds if you accidentally cross a line…

“…and where exactly can that line be found?” you ask? That, my friend, is a whole separate column…