You’ve seen them out on the road – the soccer moms with their cell phones permanently attached to their skulls, the elderly couples who can’t even remember why they got in the car in the first place, the college guys cruising either to or from school who wouldn’t know a yield sign if it was placed up their asses by one of their frat brothers. Apparently either our Secretary of State is getting a bit lenient on giving out driver’s licenses or Kellogg’s has started tossing them in with the Frosted Flakes…at least that would explain the funny cardboard aftertaste…

There’s a running joke among comedians that says no matter how vast our differences are here in America, we all still belief one thing – that we’re all above-average drivers. Nevertheless, I was out on the road just the other day and I certainly didn’t feel like I was surrounded by above-average drivers…but of course, I myself was driving stupendously, so hopefully at least a tiny bit of my prowess rubbed off on the rest of them! Unfortunately, unless thanks and gratitude are now primarily expressed by flipping me the bird and damn near running me off the road, then I really don’t think that it was quite the influence I was hoping for! Just watch it, Granny – your time will come soon enough!!!

So what is it about driving that can turn a mild-mannered bingo-addict or loving mother into a deranged lunatic by simply putting them behind the wheel? Jane may be an administrative assistant in her mid-twenties at work, spending countless hours filing paperwork and answering the phone for her sexy and financially-stable boss – possibly a bit overworked, but all in the same still happy with her life – yet when that clock on the wall finally hits five o’clock and she digs the keys to that monstrous SUV of hers out in the parking lot, it’s every man for himself as what should be a simple, fifteen minute drive home to suburbia becomes a free-for-all demolition match against anyone who’s stupid enough to be in the same county as her during rush hour! Sound familiar?

Of course, although I generally tend to think the complete opposite of my above statement – that deep down, we’re all idiots when we get behind the wheel – I do think that a lot of us have different reasons for approaching driving with the same reckless abandon which is normally only attributed to the wildest evenings of passion, ALF and Get Smart marathons on Nick at Nite, and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Our various walks of life each present different types of stress, anger, and even acute blindness, all of which give us plenty of excuses for focusing on anything but driving when we’re behind the wheel…

First on our list are the business-types and soccer moms – these amateur racecar drivers have three dozen things on their to-do lists and only a single afternoon to do it in, so naturally the rest of us on the road are nothing more than obstacles on their way to the grocery store. Toss in a cell phone or a few antsy kids and you might as well have put a monkey behind the wheel – at least they might remember to use their turn-signals once in a while! It’s not that they mean to drive forty-seven miles an hour the wrong way down the middle of Main Street during rush hour, but who can really be expected to pay attention to the road when they’ve got dry cleaning to pick up before six?

On the other hand, there are those who simply don’t care – not to stereotype or anything (yeah, right!) but these are typically the ones who’ve just recently gotten their licenses and now have a brand-new, paved kingdom to conquer. Taking to the city streets promptly after seventh period with the bass fully cranked in the family sedan, they’re only out for one specific purpose – to look cool. Driving around for hour upon hour with no particular place to go seems like a fairly innocent after-school activity…until we factor in the street racing, weaving in and out of traffic, and general nuisance stemmed from flipping the bird at every single other driver to cross their paths! News flash – it really detracts from the original anger intended by giving somebody the finger when you wave it around like a kite on a sunny afternoon! Oh yeah, and for those of you who obviously must’ve missed that question in driver’s training – you’re only allowed to flip somebody off when they’re the one who’s done something wrong!

Luckily, though, there are some drivers out there who are impervious to even the most blatant of middle fingers…or traffic signals…or pedestrians! Apparently there are a few benefits left to not being able to see over the dash, even if it does also cancel out any chance of seeing those yellow lines that run up and down the road as well. Now I’m not saying that the elderly should be outlawed from driving altogether, but would it maybe be such a bad idea to just check-up on these folks once in a while? I don’t get to write the rules or anything, but perhaps, uhhhh – vision testing?!?!?! Call me crazy, but I’ve found that being able to actually see the other stuff on the road tends to be an intrical part of the whole experience…

The list goes on and on, but I think I’ve generally made my point – when it comes to driving, we’re all pretty much idiots! Even if I didn’t describe your specific category here today, chances are that I will eventually – maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one of these days I guarantee you that I’ll be short on new material and come up with the great idea to follow-up this column with even more reasons to gripe about the chaos on our roadways, so drive safely out there…but not too safely – it’s called job security!

For some reason, though, I don’t think I have anything to worry about…