Ok, so it doesn’t exactly apply in this particular case, but it’s just too good of a lyric to pass up nonetheless! (fifty bonus points if you can name the song and artist…) Anyways, if you haven’t heard the good word already, I’ve finally moved out of the desolate wasteland known as Northern Michigan to a, well, let’s just say a more populated area. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some good times up here – just me and a six-pack and ‘ole Mother Nature, but the times they are a changing and it’s about time I fed that craving for traffic jams and longer lines at the grocery store and good, old-fashioned metropolitan violence I’ve found that you just can’t get up there in the sticks!
Unfortunately, however, I’m also quickly learning that a certain stigma looms over the single man as he attempts to make it in this dog-eat-dog world, and that stigma says basically, well, men are pigs. Of course, it’s tough to avoid this one because at some point it’s kind of undeniable – sure, a lot of men are pigs…some of them are my friends! Nonetheless, I still like to think that I, myself, am not a pig in most aspects, so herein lies my little predicament – how do I go about maintaining this studly machismo that the ladies seem to love so much while at the same time doing my very best to beat down this ugly stereotype that my peers have so ignorantly established for us? Well, I’ve always believed that enlightenment should begin in the home, so without further a due, here’s my plan thus far…
Top Five Stereotypes I Vow to Defy in My New Apartment:
5. Despite how undeniably cool I might have thought they were in my earlier years, love beads, shag carpeting, and black light posters will have no place in my new home.
You can also count on me having furniture actually purchased in a store, too – hand-me-down, spring clean-up pieces are a thing of the past. Let there be no doubt in your mind that the couch you’ll be sitting on has never been occupied by any member of the Rodentia family.
Also, as comfortable as they may be, no beanbag chairs, either. Well, maybe in the boudoir… *wink* *wink*
4. My kitchen pantry and refrigerator contents will consist of more than just Ramen noodles and beer.
I’m not at all afraid to admit it – I’m a guy that actually likes to cook. I know…I can hear the snickering already, but take a look at somebody like Emeril or Bobby Flay and then tell me that you’re standing by that childish, out-of-date stereotype.
Either way, just remember that when you’re dining on frozen chicken pot pies for the 80th time that month, I’ll be savoring a fresh tuna noodle casserole that would make your mother green with envy!
3. I won’t leave dirty clothes lying around, nor allow dirty dishes to build up in the sink.
Ok, I don’t really do these things anyways, but it never hurts to let the ladies know that you’re house-broken, if you will, just in case you ever want to have any visit sometime in the next century! Besides, with a dishwasher and washing machine within only a few feet of each other, there’s a limit to just how much laziness is actually tolerable…
2. The walls won’t be plastered from floor to ceiling with grotesque and derogatory pictures of naked women in unrealistically flexible positions.
Nope, I’m a modern guy and that means that rather than making the trip to the local newsstand to get my fix, all I have to do is log on and within seconds, I’ve got access to more pornography than God. For only $14.95 a month, I’ve got access to download gigabytes upon gigabytes of the hottest, nastiest, well…you know, on the Internet, all of which will end up safely and securely stored on a large array of hard drives in a new, dedicated computer in my office, appropriately named PornBot3000.
And no – you can’t have its IP address!
1. And finally, unlike countless generations of single men that have walked before me, I will not walk around my apartment naked, just because I can…
…but actually in hindsight, there are many reasons why I might walk around my apartment naked! The fact that few can see me anyways up on the second floor, or that this is Florida and sometimes it’s just too damn hot to bother with wearing clothes, or even that the human body is a beautiful thing that should be shared with the world, not hidden from it, are all perfectly good reasons.
I could go on, mind you, but that’s an entirely different column altogether. I do plan on touching on this topic again in the future, however, so keep an eye out for All Men are Pigs, and I’m OK with That… coming soon to a newsstand or website near you! Until then, be sure to wipe your feet before coming inside and for God’s sake, please use a freaking coaster!!!