I don’t have any problems with admitting it – I’m not really that great when it comes to history, or remembering details…or even last names in some situations, so when any holiday that doesn’t involve jingle bells or Easter eggs appears on my calendar, typically all I’m able to deduce from the situation is that I won’t be getting my mail that morning. Of course, it’ll usually also lead to my own whining about not having a government job that gets eighty-seven days off every year for the better part of the morning as well, but that’s pretty much the extent of my holiday celebration. No disrespect to the living, the dead, or whoever the hell everybody but me is taking the day off for, but it’s just hard for me to get excited about something that happened over five hundred years ago…

Mind you, that’s not entirely accurate – the Wright Brothers first flight from Kitty Hawk was quite the feat from back in the day, or so I’ve heard, Galileo’s telescopic visions from the early 1600s were some tales that most certainly struck, my fancy, and the dinosaurs happened even a lot longer ago than that and they were still interesting, so this leads me to believe one thing – history is just going to have to kick things up a notch if it really wants to peak my interest! “So what would I suggest to make history less boring and suicide-inducing, you ask?!” Well, fortunately I happen to have way too much free time on my hands during the day, so since you’ve obviously also got a few minutes to kill right now, allow me to just bounce a few ideas off of you…

First of all, a brief flip through just about any history book makes it blatantly clear that we’ve had way too many wars in our past – way too many boring wars that really all seem to blend together into just one gigantic explosion that would make Steven Segal proud! Admittedly, the first one or two that I read about were kind of interesting in short spurts, but just like presidential sex scandals, if you’ve read about one, you’ve pretty much tasted the entire platter! The few that really did peak my interest, though, were those that actually added new elements to the game – tanks, fighter jets, war elephantsthose are the kinds of things that catch people’s attention! Maybe instead of building the better bomb, scientists might be better off introducing something new out onto the field!

Enter, the mutants! If there were only more sub-atomic monsters ravaging throughout the pages of our history books, then maybe the children wouldn’t be as prone to drop them at a moments notice in exchange for the latest Super Twins or Jokemon or whatever the hell the big rage is these days! And before you get off thinking that I’m being unethical or something, understand that I’m not talking about simply melding man and beast in the most traditional sense…no, no, no – I’m thinking much bigger than that! We all know that sub-atomic monsters just aren’t any fun unless they’re at least as tall as your average skyscrapers, and obviously there’s nothing unethical about weaving together the strengths of the mightiest creatures from the animal kingdom and enlarging them to enormous proportions. Just think – an army of three-hundred foot tall crab-men lays siege on some pathetic and deserving nation with only gigantic, mutant frogs and toads to defend them – you’d read about that, wouldn’t you?!

But if that’s not enough to spark your interest, even though I don’t understand how it possibly couldn’t be, I do have something else for you to consider – behold the power of invention! Earlier I talked about telescopes and airplanes and I think it goes without saying that people like new stuff. Since the introduction of the gun and the public address system and even the automobile, things have really slowed down technologically…or at least the aspects that seem to always make it into the history books have, so I think it’s time to really get cracking and give the people a reason or two to be proud of their generation amongst the ranks for a change! I mean, seriously, we’ve been hearing about those flying cars, for example, from The Jetsons for years now – why hasn’t this one been taken care of yet?! Laser guns are just another fine example – the average household literally has dozens of the things in various appliances these days, so why haven’t we moved this kind of technology into the limelight?

I know I’m not the only person that has ever been absolutely bored to death when it comes to learning, understanding, and generally giving a hoot about what happened around this place hundreds and hundreds of years ago, or even yesterday for that matter, but I’m here to tell the cause that it’s simply not our fault, people! History is boring because either the events involved are bland or the people writing the books themselves are bland, and since it would probably be considered mean and lewd to, oh say, sic gigantic, mutant frogs and/or toads on these people until they started writing about the more interesting sides of our lives, it’s up to us to make those points stand out so they’ve really got no other choice but to commit our ideas to the immortality that can only be found in textbooks and encyclopedias around the globe. It’s not going to be easy, of course, but as far as I’m concerned, anything that’s over three-hundred feet tall and bears claws that can cut through the skyline of a major metropolitan city in a matter of minutes is certainly worth the effort!

Now if anybody needs me, I’ll be in my laboratory…