A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a little column that apparently sparked some sort of proverbial riot amongst my Arizona and Indiana-based readers (along with one stray Alaskan guy who just managed to wander into the wrong place at the wrong time…) that resulted in literally a dozen e-mails featuring a plethora of various spelling and grammatical errors making random appearances on my desktop. I always make it a point to take my fan mail to heart with as much sincerity as I can manage to stomach at the time, so instead of following my normal routine of printing them out and pinning them up around the walls of my bedroom (Ego? What’s that?!), I thought that it was only fitting to give these inbox gems a bit of the special attention that only immense amount of free time and an Internet connection can provide…
So you may be wondering what exactly, behind all of the ‘net jargon and naughtiness, these e-mails that I’m referring to actually pertained to…and you may also be wondering just how long I’m going to drag this column out before I actually get around to filling you in on all of the juicy gossip that fills my mailbox on a regular basis! As if I would seriously just ramble on and on without any consideration for your own personal sanities, procrastinating the original point of this week’s column in the first place – I’d like to think that you’ve come to expect a little more than that over the years from a professional writer like myself…but of course, I’d also like to think that fellow columnist Dave Barry has a chance of taking the upcoming Presidential election and turning this country into a land where giant, killer grasshoppers and booger jokes are given the proper respect that they deserve, so that having been said:
Our Friend, the Ostrich
Considered by many to be the strongest and most fierce birds in the animal kingdom, the common ostrich can grow to heights of up to eight feet tall and weigh over three hundred pounds. Due to its relatively small wingspan as compared to its enormous size, the ostrich depends on its speed and agility to elude predators, attaining speeds of nearly forty miles per hour – a rate that has been known to leave most horses in the dust! Nonetheless, although this bird has been known to intimidate humans and many wild creatures with its cautious and sharp presence, the ostrich is actually an herbivore and only kills for spite…
Not quite sure if I just made that last part up or not? Well, I dare you to find out for yourself! Anyways, where were we? Something about special e-mails, right?! I think I’ve dragged this one on long enough, so let’s get back to the disgruntled Arizonians and Indianians, ok? For those of you who didn’t read my column from a few weeks back entitled Saving Daylight, basically we simply took a little time to discuss the great celebration that is Daylight Savings Time and all of the joys that said celebration spreads around the world. Of course, as you may already be aware, there are a few remote parts of the world that don’t recognize Daylight Savings Time – mind you, most of these are merely because they don’t have any clocks to turn back in the first place, but I must admit that it was a bit saddening to learn that there are more than a couple of places right here on our home turf that don’t observe this national pastime, so I decided to entertain my proactive side and take the next step to do something about it, much to the dismay of those involved.
No, I didn’t drive to Indiana and/or Arizona, just start walking into homes and begin changing their clocks myself, although hindsight that would’ve been a less disruptive approach, but instead I chose to utilize my pen in an attempt to sway these folks towards the way of the daylight. This attempt failed miserably not because I was completely and totally just making everything up, but more so because these folks were actually taking me seriously – I thought I told you never to do that! I’m going to just share a little secret here with you right now – this humor column is here to entertain you, not to persuade or educate you! If I was trying to actually persuade you, wouldn’t you think that I’d be focusing more on the important things that I can back up with actual facts, such as How much wood a woodchuck actually can chuck and why those birds suddenly appear every time you are near?! I’m not any more qualified to educate than your high school Phys. Ed. teacher was, so what are you thinking, honestly?
So from this point on, I’ve decided that it can either go one of two ways – I can spend hours upon hours researching each and every one of my columns to ensure the accuracy of all information within or I can just throw in twice as many booger and fart jokes until it’s painfully obvious what my objectives are – which would you prefer? I’ll give you a couple of weeks to think about it, but in the meantime, consider this – ostriches have been known to travel in flocks of up to 600 birds and lay their eggs inside the homes of anyone who doesn’t observe Daylight Savings Time – and they said that learning can’t be fun!