Recently a Russian man and his fiancée made history by being the first couple to exchange their vows while in orbit some two hundred and forty miles above the Earth. Mind you, they were in separate locations at the time, with him aboard the International Space Station and his bride below at Johnson Space Center in Texas, as the entire event was transmitted in real time via satellite uplink, but it’s still kind of cool when you think about it. Of course, the down side is that the pair won’t be able to officially celebrate the honeymoon aspect of their union until later this fall when he returns home, but I’ve got a feeling that she’ll be making many a trip to the moon and back when that time comes, if you know what I mean!

I’ve always been fascinated with the mere concepts of space exploration and travel, and with the recent advances of pretty much having people in space around the clock, I’m actually a bit surprised that we haven’t made it even further past this by now. Granted, I would assume that the mechanics involved with certain relationship essentials might take a little getting used to, but am I really the only one who’s baffled as to why we haven’t seen full-blown weddings in space, or even all-out establishments altogether? The science fiction books and movies that entrapped me as a child always speculated about colonizing other planets, Mars in particular, so why haven’t we at least made it to the freaking Moon yet?!

I mean, seriously, it wasn’t too long ago that science was promising us flying cars and ray blasters straight out of The Jetsons and although I can understand how our own planet’s gravitational forces might hinder the development of such really sweet toys and gadgets, I’m still bewildered at the fact that we know that several of the other planets (and other large, inhabitable, celestial objects) don’t have that fun-busting feature known as gravity, yet I still remain here, trapped in suburbia, forced to simply gaze up into the sky at that big sphere which we really should be living on by now! Don’t get me wrong – I like it here on Earth and all, but couldn’t you use a change? A change that could very easily be provided by living in space, for crying out loud?! We figured out all of the complications way back in elementary school science class – oxygen and water are created by large greenhouses, farms and soy products produce the nutrients required to sustain life, an actually interesting version of baseball becomes our entertainment, thanks to the low gravity – we’ve pulled out virtually all of the stops, so what’s still holding us back, I must ask…

I’m told that it’s the money – “It’s just too expensive to send the entire state of Michigan to the Moon, no matter how much we’d like to!” – but that’s one that I’m just not buying! Why? Because at the heart of this exploration is the United States government, known global as having the disorderly financial budget that justifies spending $4,000 for a spoon and $16,000 for a toilet seat – if these guys can’t fudge enough numbers to get me and some of my buddies up to a cushy pad on the Moon, then they’re just not trying! Maybe it’s the prospect of shooting thousands and thousands of people who haven’t had a lick of training into bizarre and adverse conditions, but just like it’d be if you suddenly decided to ship me off to Maui – I’ll get used to it! Sure, those funky foods tasted a bit different when the astronauts came to share their stories at the local library, but man, it’s the freaking Moon?! Maybe there’s a gigantic, man-eating solar squid up there that NASA just isn’t telling us about, but for the chance of impressing the young and beautiful women of our species on the Moon, I’m willing to take just about any risk…gigantic, man-eating solar squids included.

Nonetheless, you can feed us all the excuses you want, but eventually I think those up high are just going to have to bite the bullet and put us on the Moon all ready and I, for one, will be counting the days. Just think – taking the little lady out for a little cruise around the craters in the space buggy, then back to my landing pad for some dehydrated ice cream and fresh conversation about our idiotic Moon President or those kooky Venusians…one thing leads to another and, well, you know! Come on, I’m certainly not having any luck here on Earth, but with a swanky apartment and a cool-looking car on the moon, I’m sure to see a little action from the ladies, right?!

NASA, hear me out – send me and some of my closest buds to the Moon and you guys can come up and crash (…bad choice of words…) just about any time you want! My couch is more than comfortable, I’ll leave the light on for ya…just if you happen to find a tie hanging from the front hatch, give me a few minutes, will ya?