“Dieting is going to play a key role in nursing America back to a healthy lifestyle, and when I think dieting, I think McDonald’s!” Or at least it’s that kind of marketing that the world’s largest fast food chain is counting on to get them out of the spotlight for sending our national obesity rate to an all-time high…as if hamburgers and french fries and milk shakes will make you fat – bah!
Nonetheless, if you’re fortunate enough to live in the wonderful state of Indiana (…where the first bushel of corn is always free!), then you’ve already been exposed to their latest attempt to shrink America’s collective gut – the Adult Happy Meal. That’s right, as if the Premium Salads and the McTofu Burger weren’t enough to wash those pounds away, our friends at McDonald’s have gone the extra three blocks to produce the epitome of dieting incentives, complete with a toy and everything! Mind you, the meal consists of a small salad and a bottle of water, with the toy not being a plastic recollection of your favorite cartoon show or Disney animated feature, but a pedometer – yep, one of those things used to measure how far you’ve walked throughout your exercise routine…don’t feel bad, I had to look it up, too! I think it goes without saying that my kind of “Happy Meal” aimed towards a mature audience might feature something a bit more risqué, and you’ll never even guess what the toy might be…but that’s an entirely different humor column altogether…
The important thing to focus on here is that McDonald’s is trying to take an active role in our collective health, primarily because last year they were accused of being the leading cause of obesity among teenagers, but note that I say trying because despite all of these fun and cheerful gimmicks, the big honchos under the golden arches are forgetting one key thing – dieting is not fun! It never has been, it never will, and anyone who thinks otherwise has been out jogging in the sun too long! Just as people aren’t leaping off the couch when Richard Simmons comes on the tube to step the pounds away, the end product of countless weeks of starving and sweating your brains out is the only incentive that’s going to drive people towards a healthier lifestyle, no matter how many pedometers Ronald’s willing to throw in!
Truth be known, I’ve been pretending to “diet and exercise” for the better part of five years now and for the record, I’ve gained twenty-three pounds. Of course, I’ve also taken up a greater appreciation for The Cartoon Network and can easily point you in the direction of some of the best steakhouses in the area, so depending on your standards, some consider me to actually be ahead in the game! If you’re anything like me, and let’s hope for your social life’s sake that you’re not, you’ve started your existing regiment of diet and exercise roughly fifty or sixty times by now, usually keeping at it for sometimes even up to a solid month before giving in to the ways of the barbecued potato chip and late night television. It’s not that we don’t want to lose the weight, but with full-time jobs and an ever-improving primetime line-up on TV, most of us just don’t have the time to devote towards eating healthier and even worse, exercising…
And yet even though it’s a horribly dreadful process, we all keep coming back to it eventually, now don’t we?! Some of us have nagging spouses, and others realize that they’re never going to even get nagging spouses until we start fitting into clothing that doesn’t disappear once the fat settles (see the dunlap syndrome for more info), but I just can’t get over the fact of how comical it is that McDonald’s even bothers getting their feet wet with this issue, as if to say, “Sure, we made you into that hideous blob of a human being that you are today, but we’re really sorry about that and to prove it, keep giving us your money and we’ll give you something healthy instead. That’s right – give us the same amount that you used to spend on one of our delicious combo meals, all-beef patties and everything, and instead we’ll give you this bowl of lettuce and some water…dressing will be an extra 75 cents…” All I’m going to say is that if your flawed diet plan starts at McDonald’s, then where does the exercise bit kick in – walking back home to sit and eat your sad lunch in front of the TV with Oprah? I think I’ve made my point.
But before we break for recess here, I should note that as much as I do joke about obesity and the suckage that comes along with trying to stay healthy, I’ve gotta emphasize that it is important to keep your body in shape for a number of reasons, and if those girls in the spandex on PBS aren’t enough to motivate you, then let these incentives be the driving force required to get your fat, lazy ass off the couch and moving around a bit…
1. Clothing is expensive these days. You can only cram yourself into that same pair of pants so many times before eventually something’s gotta give and I’d be willing to bet that your gut just isn’t about to throw in the towel to the almighty waistband! Heed the warning – if you let out a sigh of relief when you get home at the end of the day and undo the button on your pants, it’s time for a change…
2. People will laugh at you. I know, I know – it’s mean, but it’s a fact of life. We’re all judged on our appearances every single day, whether it’s right or wrong, and even though it might be nice to say that you don’t care about what other people think, that’s often a lie anyways. Use their words as encouragement, drop a load of that weight, and then go make fun of other fat people…ummm, I mean encourage other gravitationally-challenged people…
3. Chicks don’t dig fat guys. If worst comes to worst, maybe it’ll take a little bit of that testosterone to motivate you, but remember, only the fat chicks will even think about dating people of such gargantuan size! It may seem like medieval torture during the process, but if it’s a toss up between the woman training Shamu and the whale itself, I’d like to think that I’ve got a fairly good chance of not getting eaten throughout the course of the evening.
And if that’s still not enough to keep your fingers out of the potato chips and chocolate cake, then consider this – dying sucks. There are going to be some pretty sweet things going on around this place in the future and I, for one, would like to be around to see as many of them as possible, so why tempt fate? Ultimately, just as with forest fires, only you can prevent your own obesity, so get up off your ass, leave the snack cakes and deep-fried treats be, and go outside! That is, after you’ve finished reading this column, of course. Ok, you can go now…
Good luck, and may the thought of having an actual chance with beautiful women see you through these dark hours!