What can I say? I know that this is going to come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but I have a small confession to make – I’m not really the cool guy that my writings here make me out to be! It’s hard to believe, I understand, but this is just something that I’ve finally come to terms with and I think it’s about time that everybody else does the same. Although I never really claimed to be the hip guy anyways, it was just recently brought to my attention that they’re not even using the term “hip” anymore, so that alone goes to show you just how out of touch I am!
You want to know who I envy? Gay people…or homosexuals, or fruit loops, or whatever they want to be called this week. Mind you, before I get myself in a pickle here (…or even vise-versa…), it’s not the actual orientation itself that I’m jealous of, but think about it – have you ever really met a dorky gay man?! And don’t get me wrong, I’m not solely referring to the guys on the TV show, either. It seems like every one of them that crosses my path is completely in tune with what’s going on around him, culturally diverse, relatively in shape, and a snappy dresser to boot! At the rate I’m going, I’d be willing to settle for a percentage of the four…
But don’t stop now because I’m willing to take it even another step further – make our model gay man black and you’re now pretty much dealing with one of the coolest cats on the planet…they are still using the term “cat,” right? I don’t know what the source is – maybe it’s genetic or maybe they all take cool pills at night and just don’t bother letting the rest of us in on their secret – but more than likely it’s just an unwritten law that the black guys all get to be cool by default. Being the out-of-touch white guy that I am, I get to own a minivan and do my own taxes…hardly seems fair, now does it?!
“Cool pills” – maybe there’s more to that idea than meets the eye! Just take two of the tiny, blue drugs each morning with breakfast and by the time you’ve finished reading the daily paper, writing letters to the editor will be the last thing on your mind! The car radio will finally make that transition from AM to FM, and of course, that hot, new administrative assistant will even remember your name and look at you while you’re talking…well, a guy can dream, right?
I guess when it all comes down to it, though, I know that no drug could ever improve how cool I really am – it would probably take a new sports car or a fancy yacht to even come close, but sadly there’s just no room for that right now in the budget of this fledgling humor columnist! Maybe someday I’ll hit it big or come across buried treasure and be able to simply buy myself into that hip and keen lifestyle, but for the time being, it’s back to Nick at Nite reruns and instant oatmeal to pass the evenings by…and just between you and me, at the end of the day I’m fine with that anyways!