That’s right – my TV is bigger than yours.

I’ll allow another moment or three for that to sink in with my male readers and an equal amount of time to allow the ladies a chance to roll their eyes in disgust – scoff all you want, my fine female friends, but as you’ve so eloquently put it in the past, size really does matter…

So anyways, this year I decided to do something special for my birthday because, well, if I don’t, then who will?! It’s just that I’ve been busting the old hump for nearly the past year in an effort to rid myself of that unwanted, slimy credit card debt, so in celebration of the last card that I was able to chop up into tiny pieces, I figured what better way to celebrate than by running up some more credit card debt, right?! Now before folks begin getting all up in arms, I would like to say that in my defense I did talk myself into a pretty good deal – I’m not paying any interest and I’ve even been told that I’ve got a free toaster coming in the mail within the next 6 – 8 weeks, and who could really pass on an offer like that?

I certainly couldn’t, which is why I am now the proud owner of a brand-new, fifty-two inch high-definition television, capable of bringing new life to my entire DVD collection while simultaneously reducing my need to leave the house on a daily basis by nearly 82%! With Dolby Digital® surround sound encapsulating my living room like a warm and gentle cocoon of musical sweetness, the concept of the home theater is brought to a whole new level when you enter my apartment to find the lights dimmed and that all-too-familiar, “Don’t Copy This Video or We’ll Club a Baby Seal”-message from our friendly friends at the MPAA blazing across the screen with glowing, digital clarity. All I need now is a popcorn popper…

There’s just something about owning a gigantic television in this day and age – it almost feels like a necessity to me to be able to say that I’m at least trying to keep up with the latest technology, when in fact I’m still typically 1 – 3 years behind the rest of the advancing world. Keep in mind that I just bought one of those keen George Foreman grills, like, a month ago – the same ones that were all the rage back when the fun President was still in office, so if anything I like to think that this one was a pretty big step forward for me! And then again, some might say that I’m also extraordinarily lazy and that it’s really no surprise that I’d purchase a big-screen TV long before anything related to eating healthier foods, and of course my only response is simply, “Hey – you’ve been paying attention all of this time – great!”

So I guess looking back on this column, I honestly didn’t have any important messages to send out to the masses, or really anything funny to say, either – I just wanted to take a moment here to share my latest technological advance with everyone here today. Of course, some of you may translate that to read: “I just wanted to take a moment here to brag about my awesome, new TV…” which is actually pretty darn accurate, too! Fortunately for you, however, us high-definition owners have a thicker skin than normal that is virtually impenetrable to your hateful sneers and jeers. Mind you, we can also walk through walls and shoot laser beams out of our eyes, but do us a favor and try to keep that under your hat…

Happy Birthday to Me! If anybody needs me, you know where I’ll be…but don’t come without bringing more popcorn…