I’ve been told that some of my most adored columns to come off this website are the ones that go past the political blunders and Hollywood beats and provide a glimpse into the glamorous and ritzy lifestyle that I call my own! Although some columnists prefer to hide under a shroud of bashful secrecy, keeping their private lives private and their in-laws as out of the loop as possible, I actually enjoy…ok crave the attention and knowing that my own personal insight into the female gender could very well be the breeding grounds for a whole new generation of misogyny can always bring a smile to my face! But we’ll have to save my lack of a love life for another column – right now we have a much more pressing issue on our hands…

Ducks, I tell you – plain, ordinary ducks. But these are no ordinary ducks!!! Imagine poultry the size of a medicine ball…or three…with just about the ugliest bird-mug you’ve ever seen. Now place six or seven of these feathery beasts along the sidewalk on my way to the mailbox and you should begin to visualize my raised concern! “They’re just ducks!” you say, but I can see the fury in their eyes and it’s plain as day that they’ve only got one thing on their little, ducky brains – bloodlust! One wrong step and somebody’s going to lose a toe, if not an entire foot! And with an abundance of children and small pets sharing the neighborhood with me, we just don’t have room to tolerate that kind of danger waddling around!

But unlike your typical, mutant creatures, I should note, these beasts from the N^th dimension weren’t the product of harmful gamma radiation or even some freak science experiment gone awry. No, responsibility for the existence of these hideous “birds” actually lies in the hands of the common man, or technically woman if you want to be specific! You see, I don’t like to point fingers (CORRECTION: I love to point fingers!), but it seems that the immediate source for the inane growth of these feathered denizens actually lives in the building right next door to me. That’s right – while I’m sitting here writing this eventually hilarious column this very second, she could very well be plotting her next scheme towards the augmentation of innocent, yet unbelievably not-very-good-looking animals less than a hundred feet away! If only there was something that I could do…

Of course, you have to understand – I’m relatively sure that she means no harm because she just doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would intentionally fabricate an army of oversized canaries as weapons of mass destruction and carnage, but you never know! Along those same lines, however, no truly sane person feeds eight loaves of bread a week to the birds without some sort of ulterior motive – there’s just gotta be more to this than a simple passion for bird enthusiasts. It may seem harmless now, sure, but when these things are the size of Volkswagens, stomping around wherever they please…walking through walls…eating the few and far between hot chicks that actually still do leave in this proximity – is that what it’s going to take before we’re willing to address this issue seriously?!

For the time being, I’m still in surveillance mode – watching them feed from the safety of my balcony, taking pages upon pages of notes about their behavior and ever-growing appetites, and chuckling to myself as the neighbor-lady spends twice as much time scrubbing duck poop off the sidewalk as she does actually feeding them! Every day the gargoyles grow just a little bit bigger…and I’ll tell you what, you’ve never seen a funnier sight than when you’ve watched a duck attempt to dive down under the water to catch a fish and not be able to break the surface because they’re in fact too buoyant! That aside, however, this is certainly not an issue to be taken lightly and I intend to follow it until the rest of the world finally sees the err of their ways and realizes the truly pungent plight that these killer ducks place upon our livelihood and really, the future of humanity itself…

Neighbor-Lady: If you happen to be reading this, know one thing – I’m on to you and I’ll be watching!

Hot Chicks That Also Live Nearby: More importantly, if you happen to be reading this, know that I’m always available at a moments notice to hang pictures, remove stuck lids from jars, and help you finish off this bottle of wine that’s been chilling in my refrigerator for far too long…