What better time than Valentine’s Day to air out some dirty laundry, right?! Well baby, I’ve been holdin’ this back for a while, but there are just a few things that I can’t keep covered up any longer! I know, I told you that our love was something special, and in all technicalities it still is, but there’s a few things that you need to know before we can continue this masquerade. You know how you’re always telling me that you never know how I really feel?! Well brace yourself – it’s time to play a little catch-up…
10. I can’t stand that guys never get anything on Valentine’s Day.
We might as well start at the present – today is supposed to be a day to show your love, so where are my presents?! I buy chocolates and stuffed bears and champagne, and what do I get in return – a lecture on why I couldn’t be as romantic as that other guy in the restaurant who proposed on Valentine’s Day. Always in second place…
9. I can’t stand that you make any compliment I give you sound negative.
Just because I say that you look good today does not mean that you looked hideous yesterday – I don’t even remember what you were wearing yesterday! Quit being so over-analytical about everything and just take the damn compliment for what it’s worth already!!!
8. I can’t stand how we never watch the movies that I want to watch.
You always say, “We’ll see…” and then end up coming back with something else from the drama section after I’ve already had my heart set on something good and violent. Even if it does end up being something that I might’ve chosen myself, the only reason we’re watching it is because you think that Orlando Bloom is the sexiest elf in all of Middle Earth…
7. I can’t stand the fact that you snore, and even more so that you deny it!
Much like farting or picking up the check, it’s almost like I’m just supposed to believe that the female body simply isn’t equipped with the necessary parts required to snore. The next time I’m awakened at three in the morning and have to try to get back to sleep with a buzz-saw going next to me, I’ll tape it for you – call it breathing loudly, call it what you want, but don’t pretend you’re above making those kinds of noises!
6. I can’t stand that I always wake up freezing in the morning.
Because while we’re on the topic of bedroom etiquette, how’s about sharing some of the sheets on my own bed with me, eh? Ain’t it funny how we both fall asleep all warm and cozy, yet when morning comes there you are wrapped up in all of the covers while I lay shivering, with an acute case of hypothermia right around the corner…
5. I can’t stand that our shared shopping experiences can’t be equal.
When we go shopping because you want to go shopping, we hit up one or two stores that interest me in between going to every girly store in the mall, yet when we go shopping because I want to go shopping, we hit up one or two stores that interest me in between going to every girly store in the mall! You wanted gender equality, but maybe there are some things that are just best done alone.
4. I can’t stand that your friends are all judgmental, hate-filled bitches.
Does the storm never end with these women?! I can be at the top of my game on any given day and all it takes is running into one of your sorority sisters to bring it all crashing down around me – talk about perpetual unhappiness. Do they maybe just need to get laid a little more often? Because I’m more than willing to pay for it myself if you think it would help!
3. I can’t stand that you have more clothes in my apartment than I do.
I mean, seriously, just who actually lives here, anyways?! You have an entire closet full of stuff at your own place, yet it seems like every time you spend the night anything more than the clothes on your back ends up staying here. I was cool with the toothbrush and whatnot, but falling back on good old logic, shouldn’t your own closet be getting emptier as your collection in mine grows??? One would think so…
2. I can’t stand that you never stop talking…ever!
Don’t assume that simply because I’m not actively engaging in thoughtful, intellectual conversations with you during every single second of the day that something’s necessarily wrong – maybe I’ve just run out of things to say and I need to rebuild my train of thought, did you ever think of that? The phrase “Silence is golden” bears more meaning than you will ever know, so just calm down and take a breath once in a while!
And with all of the cell phone calls, too… Yeah, I called you every fifteen minutes back in the day because I liked you and it was a way of getting my foot in the door, but understand that before you came along, I only used the thing once or twice a month anyways. Just because you have a means of getting a hold of me at any given time during the day doesn’t mean that you need to exercise those options…
1. I can’t stand that despite the fact that you have no qualms about complaining over my nose hairs or lack of social skills, I’ll never confront you about any of the things on this list because I just love you that damn much!
How do you do it, seriously?! I am but putty in your hands, merely waiting to see what you’ll make of me and the thought of being discarded after informing you that you sound like a beaver mid-sleep simply isn’t something that I’m willing to risk…at least not just yet! Now if there was maybe some way to tone down the judgmental side in your half of the court, then life would be umpteen times easier on my behalf, but for the time being I’m willing to play with the hand I was dealt in the name of love…
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the ladies of my life – past, present, and future. And whatever you do, don’t believe a word that your sister tells you…I didn’t even know that you were related!
Please note that no significant others were harmed during the making of this column. In fact, I don’t even have a lady friend right now, so if you’re not doing anything later on tonight…that is, if you weren’t completely and totally offended by what you just read, then drop me an e-mail! You haven’t truly experienced Valentine’s Day until you’ve spent it with a cynic, let me tell ya…