Yes, it’s that time of year again – when writers from all around the world throw any remaining sense of skepticism to the ground and let loose in the name of the greatest holiday of all time, the one that we get loads of presents from! Let’s face it, Christmas puts even the most elaborate of birthdays to shame, with enough commercial endorsement to power a small planet and frankly, I love it! Believe you me, if there’s something wrong with enjoying the one day earmarked for tearing into gift after gift picked out especially for me, then I don’t want to be right…

(Of course, Christmas is also about giving and love and blah-blah-blah, but that’s another column for another day. Loosen up a little and enjoy the party!)

So as I was saying, it’s around this time every year when us writers buckle down and spell out on paper just exactly what we’d like to see under that sparkling tree this year, and before you go saying that little children around the world actually do this very same thing, I want to explain one simple thing – no, they don’t. I say this because while young Timmy and his classmates may pen their lists whilst dreams of sugarplums dance through their heads, we – the professional writers – have a sense of purpose because frankly, we know what we want from Santa Claus and we justly have the rhetorical prowess to get it. Maybe with a little cynicism and a good English teacher, Timmy might grow up to have similar powers one day, but for now, this is our realm!

That having been said, my own contribution to the global efforts this year has actually been divided up into two distinct and separate lists for Santa’s ease of delivery – one containing the items that I do, in fact, want and the second explicitly spelling out a few items that I’d rather not see underneath the towering, artificial blue spruce out in my living room this year. Also, you might note that this year I am scaling things back just a bit, as you’ll find no Mustangs or supercomputers that made the cut in 2004 – we’re doing things up simple because that’s just the kind of mood that I’m in right now…

The “Good” List – 2004 edition

· a hat that looks cool on me – hell, I’d even be happy with one that doesn’t look “just plain ridiculous” – I’m just tired of missing out on all the fun that hat-wearing has to offer…

· a subscription to the World of Warcraft – because hey, in the event that I do hit a productive streak and end up in a position to whip through lots of work, I definitely want to have something on-hand to bring me back down to Earth!

· Legos, Legos, and more Legos!!! – I don’t know what it is, but one trip to the Lego Store at Downtown Disney last month and I am itching for some brick nostalgia, let me tell you! In fact, show me the motivation and you just might find a Lego monorail circling our Christmas tree this year…

· Spider-Man 2 for my PS2 – “they” say that this game is “da bomb” like no other and I’ve put off not owning it long enough – anybody else up for a little web slinging?

· …somebody to love… *wink wink* – all you need is love…and I’d probably even just settle for the sex, if the conditions are right…

· one of those old-school yo-yos, with the special retractor built in – because I was never very good at the yo-yo, but that nifty, technologically-advanced number made me feel like a star!

· a pet something or other – now that the fish are all settled and doing their own thing, and until we’re able to come to terms with that whole “love thing” mentioned earlier, I could use something else to keep me busy throughout these cold, winter months here in Florida. How do those little monkeys take to the heat down here, anyways?

The “Bad” List – 2004 edition

· lederhosen – because no matter what the season or what the occasion, it’s just not right…

· cleaning supplies – despite a couple of rumors that my apartment is getting a bit “unsightly,” let’s not kid ourselves, shall we???

· socks – a) I’ll buy ‘em if I need ‘em and b) I live in Florida – how many pairs of socks do you really think that I need, anyways?!

· the Complete Recorded Works of Burt Baccarat – no ill-harbored thoughts…I just happen to have this one already…

And there you have it – short and sweet, with no doubts that I’ll be pleasantly surprised upon waking up Christmas morning!For pointers on writing your own absolutely stellar Christmas list, please PayPal $15 to [email protected].

Ho-ho-ho, indeed…