Well folks, I’d say that it’s about time to take a bow! Turn to one another, shake hands, and congratulate one another, for we’ve all successfully made it through another Valentine’s Month – and it really seemed like it would never end this year, didn’t it?! Nonetheless, with enough perseverance and determination, and of course a bit of help from our good friends Jack Daniels and MasterCard, we survived yet another year…


Nonetheless, it should also be known that the team has taken a few casualties along the way, so I thought we’d use this week’s time to recognize these falls for the common good – just because the last guy bit it doesn’t mean that you have to do the same! As you already know, I get literally thousands of e-mails each week from folks crying for mercy in their relationships and although we can’t go over each and every one of them, I can at least play for you the highlight reel! So without further a due, let’s take a look at some of the worst Valentine incidents experienced in 2004:

Dear Scott,

It was going to be perfect, man! She would awaken to breakfast in bed, followed by a full morning of free-for-all shopping at the mall, care of my gold card. Then we’d proceed to the zoo (she loves animals) for a private feeding of her favorite creatures of the wild. From there it was to be off to a romantic dinner at that fancy French restaurant downtown (stinky waiter and all!), with several hours of ballroom dancing to follow. Finally, as the clock struck midnight, bringing Valentine’s Day to a close, I was going to propose to her there under the clear night sky, our song playing softly in the background.

It was going to be perfect, alright, except for one teensy, tiny detail – she never actually showed up! Ok, so technically I haven’t exactly met her yet, but I just sort of assumed that everything would sorta fall into place. Don’t get me wrong – the zoo was fun, but I did feel kind of silly dancing all by myself later that night! What should I have done differently?!


Dazed and Confused


Dear Dazed (and quite possibly still confused as well…),

Let this serve as a lesson to you – remember what happens when you assume! I, for one, can certainly attest to this situation – it doesn’t matter how much planning you put into the girl if she doesn’t show up at all…and even more so when you haven’t even met her in the first place!

You do get a little credit, I should note, because it takes an awful lot of ambition to plan such an extraordinary date based completely on a whim, but next time try to get a girl involved with the whole thing, even if it’s just someone you met at the bus stop earlier that day. The ballroom dancing will still feel silly, but with that kind of schedule that you’ve masterminded, there ought to at least be some kind of action in store for ya when it all comes to a close!

Good luck!

– Scott

Dear Scott,

Here’s a story for you – one of my buddies decided that it would be a good idea to hook me up on a blind date for Valentine’s Day this year. I’ve been a little down on my luck lately, so it seemed like a good enough idea at the time…

As it turns out, the girl in question was actually a friend of his girlfriend, who’d sort of pressured him into finding someone to occupy her that evening. Well, all was going ok, until about halfway through the night I finally realized that my blind date actually was BLIND! It explained a lot, really – why she just chuckled when I asked her what she thought of my shirt or what movie she wanted to go see. The thing is this – I don’t know if I can handle dating someone who has never even seen me! I guess that she’s asked about me a couple of times, but I’ve never really had an answer to pass back. What should I do?!

– Sightless in Seattle


Dear Sightless,

Don’t take this the wrong way, man, but at least you had a date on Valentine’s Day! I just finished reading a letter from some guy whose date never even bothered showing up, so consider yourself fortunate that you even got to play the game…

As far as the disability is concerned, though, each person is different and only you can decide if that’s something that you’ll be able to hack or not. On the plus side, you’ve pretty much got free reign to wear whatever you want out in public with her and as long as you can steer her around the laundry piles in your apartment, the cleaning-factor should be a breeze, too! That kind of girl is going to take a little more maintenance than most girls because of the obvious, but hey, like I said before – if she’s interested in you, you’ve gotta give her a few points for that…

I’d say give her the benefit of the doubt – you may be surprised!

– Scott

Dear Holy One,

I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew this time…

I thought it would be hot dating a woman that made her money by wrestling other women in a gigantic pool of baby oil, but now I’m starting to have my doubts. I don’t have a problem dating larger women, but this girl has muscles on top of her muscles and can bench press me with room to spare! It’s kind of like dating a female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the political agenda, and although I never thought it would be a problem seeing a girl who always wants to be on top, frankly this woman just frightens me sometimes.

I think I want to break things off with her, but I’m afraid that she may retaliate and break my legs off or something – what would you do?


Scared Shitless


Dear Shitless,

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but you’re screwed.

I can tell you right now that if you personally try to break up with this woman, you can pretty much consider your life forfeit, so your only real hope is to lead her towards breaking up with you. There’s still likely to be some pain involved, but it’ll be “You’re a jerk and I don’t want you in my life anymore” pain as opposed to “Who the hell are you to break up with mepain. The first kind is recoverable, where as the later is typically responsible for smashed windshields, maxed-out credit cards, and house fires…

It shouldn’t be too hard to convince her that she can do better, just watch your back and make sure that her friends don’t clue her in to your evil scheme. Best of luck to you, and may your wounds heal quickly!

– Scott

See, I told you that things could’ve been worse! Just be thankful that it’s over for another year and if her birthday has already passed as well, then enjoy the free ride until Christmas, my friend! Feel free to e-mail me your latest woes and I’ll do everything I can to post them online here so that the rest of our gender doesn’t suffer a similar fate…