Ok, so I’ve now officially been living down here in Florida for six months, and to tell you the truth, I’m actually quite impressed with the transitions that I’ve been able to make to adapt myself to living in this strange, new tropical world! I’ve gotten used to sporadically slamming on the brakes every now and then while driving on the freeway, just to keep the other drivers on their toes, and I’ve surprisingly caught myself using the term “soda” instead of “pop” on more than a handful of occasions. After a single, excruciating experience with sunburn to the Nth degree, I even know better than to spend a single, solitary second outside without my trusty 250-SPF suntan lotion, but even despite such sporadic habitual advancements and more, I guess that there are just some things that I’ll never be able to get used to…

Well let me tell you this – as accurate of a statement as it is, I’d be willing to bet that whoever coined the term “…it’s the little things that kill…” never found himself cleaning lizard remains off the bottom of his shoes at the end of the day – the things are everywhere down here! Whereas back up north you couldn’t walk three feet without running into a tree, it’s a tad different situation down south where instead you can’t walk three feet without reducing the Floridian reptile population…but just between you and me, I’m not completely certain that this is entirely a bad thing!

Now before things wind up getting too out of hand here, let me say that I both love and respect all animals…well, except for cats, that is – they always seemed to have too much of an attitude with me…but I think the consensus around here for anybody who’s been to the part of Florida outside Walt Disney World is that there’s just way too much wildlife running amok – period! We already talked about “my mutant duck problem” here a while back and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me much at all if you catch me writing the “there’s a flippin’ gator in my swimming pool!” follow-up column before too long, so it just makes me wonder how the locals have managed to stand it all these years…or at least how their young ones managed to make it through their childhood years with the correct number of fingers and toes…

So what do you do when you live in a state that is predominantly owned by creatures with at least twice as many legs as you have? Well, other than learn to sleep with one hand on the fly-swatter and the other within reach of the telephone, with the local animal control officer’s number on speed dial, there’s little else that we can do other than simply be prepared for the absolute worst…and then some! Anyone who has ever been burdened with the task of cleaning duck shit out of the living room carpet knows that these things happen when you least expect it, typically about ten minutes before the first date you’ve had in months is supposed to arrive, and let it also be noted that very few people even keep the proper cleaning supplies required for such a task around the house anyways!

Nope, that’s one that I wouldn’t wish on anybody…well maybe a couple of people…but certainly not anybody that I’ve got at least an ounce of respect for! So in an effort to allow everyone the opportunity to learn from my own mistakes, I’ve put together a very simple list here of random, yet vital points to remember when you find yourself living in the middle of a swamp…

1. Never leave your door open for more than three seconds – ever!

2. When you hear that lovely *crunch* underneath your foot, you’re usually better off to simply look away and just keep on walking.

3. If you only killed one, you haven’t taken care of the problem…

Aside from those, however, you’re on your own – I can’t make all of your mistakes for you…at least not this week! Nonetheless, I’ve got a feeling that those of you who just happen to really get a kick out of my misfortune will have plenty of new learning experiences here in the future as your favorite humor columnist strives to make some improvements to his living space, including the addition of plants indoors and possibly even adding a fresh coat of paint. I might even have to supply a few pictures for that one…

But oddly enough, I find myself looking forward to the fumes already!