So it’s finally happened – after months upon months of deliberations, Martha Stewart has been sent up the river without so much as an ornately-designed, ancient Incan ceremonial paddle. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not here to toss out any of the average, regularly-scheduled jokes because, well, frankly they had already been done to death long before there was ever even a conviction. No spring clean-up tips around the cell block, colorful centerpieces to spruce up the lunch room, or even easy and affordable accessories for the discriminating criminal – not in this column! I know, I know – it doesn’t sound like me at all. Normally I’d jump at the chance to go to comedic blows with the Queen of Potpourri, Doilies, and All That is Scented, but I simply can’t because just between you and me…I kinda feel sorry for her…

Sure, it sounds just absolutely horrible – kind of like not being able to buy booze at eight o’clock on a Sunday morning – but here me out for just a second: if Martha’s not safe anymore, then who’s next in the pecking order of public image?! Bob Vila? Big Bird?? Rosie O’Donnell??? Ok, bad example, but I think that the question itself still remains valid – if we’re willing to prosecute quite possibly the most wholesome, caring creature on this planet (aside from the wallaby, of course!), where exactly does the madness stop? Laugh at my speculations now, but we’ll just see who’s shouting “I told you so” and doing the associated “I was right” happy dance a couple of years down the road when Barbara Walters is brought up on indecency charges or the Pope is slapped with sexual harassment charges!

…again – bad example…

You see, I guess what I simply don’t understand about this one is…pretty much the entire thing! The original charge was itself was “Insider Trading” because basically the woman got word that things weren’t exactly looking good for the company and bailed, yet none of us could possibly admit that we wouldn’t do the same stinking thing! The concept of investing as a whole is based around doing what’s best for your money, so not jumping ship when it appears to be crashing down like the Hindenberg (or the Titanic – whichever metaphor you prefer) would make about as much sense as Vanilla Ice sponsoring a karaoke competition…am I right?! I know that technically you’re not supposed to because it’s unfair to the other investors, but the fun just doesn’t stop there…

Now change gears because 40 months later, dear old Martha actually gets arraigned for “The Obstruction of Justice” because of her wild love affair with Captain America…wait, no – it was because she refused to produce documentation that would support her decision to dump the stock – I always get those two confused! It was always my understanding, however, that you didn’t have to say or do anything in a court of law that would incriminate yourself, but then again, I probably couldn’t legalize my way out of a wet paper bag, so please keep the corrective e-mails to a minimum after reading this! It doesn’t make sense, that’s for sure, but then again, show me a legal precedent that does these days…Pee Wee Herman, anyone?!

So to summarize – what have we learned here today…if anything at all? Well for starters, we’ve learned that pleading ignorance just doesn’t work anymore, even for celebrities! We’ve learned that it might just be easier to simply take the fall and go down with the ship, despite the fact that your punishment will still be no more than a slap on the wrist when compared to similar cases that don’t involve, oh, being famous and all. We’ve even learned that the best solution of all may still be to hoard your money in a shoebox buried out in the backyard like this writer does…who is now going to have to find a better hiding place for it just as soon as he’s finished here today! And lastly, of course, Martha Stewart could never actually make it with Captain America in reality, anymore than I could ever actually make it with Martha Stewart!

In conclusion, Martha probably should’ve known better, but really – do you ask your financial planner for home decorating tips?! Yeah – some of you might, and it shows! Until our next legal interrogation…

Today’s legal counsel has been brought to you by the letters X and Q, the number 47, and this lovely arrangement of Daffodils, Tulips, and Baby’s Breath.