It takes a certain breed of person to be on television nowadays – honor, integrity, self respect, pride – I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by saying that none of these things have been witnessed on broadcast television for quite some time…or at least not in my area. I can’t seem to find a single source of information that provides the facts with a minimal amount of bias, allowing its audience to form their own opinions, and to be completely honest with you, it’s one of the reasons that I don’t make it a point to watch the news on television anymore. Instead, I’ve opted to stick to more substantial sources such as newspapers, the Internet, and those planes that write messages in the sky, and although I know that these outlets can be just as slanted as the tube, maybe they’re just easier for me to stomach because I can control what slanted stories I want to hear about and I don’t have to sit through twenty minutes of “Coming Up Next…” messages just to get to them…

But the sad thing is this – apparently the majority of people don’t even want to form their own opinions anymore because, “…eh, it’s just too tiring!” In the long run, it’s simply easier to let somebody in a $500 suit make the call for you and serve it up fresh with your macaroni and cheese every night on the six o’clock news. I guess when I think about it myself, it’s not really the national news that I’m concerned about because honestly, who could disagree that the massive forest fires and mudslides out west are a bad thing, and come to think of it, it’s not really the local news that I’m too concerned about either, for the most part, even though I’m still baffled as to how Mrs. Stuttsman’s cat getting stuck in a tree warrants a two minute breakdown during dinnertime. No, I’m willing to deal with all of those kinds of stories – the singing and dancing in the park, and the opening of a cutesy, new cookie shop downtown, and even the wild and wacky adventures of Mrs. Stuttsman’s cat, but let it be known that I do have to draw the line somewhere!

You’ve all seen them, I can guarantee it. They’re usually the stories that the producers hold off until the very end of the show, taunting us with that “Later On in Our Program…” graphic that makes us actually sit through forty-five minutes of renaissance festival coverage and promising weather updates just to find out “What product in our household could be limiting our children’s mathematical potential right now as we speak?!” These are typically stories from the absolute bottom of the bucket, at least as far as ethics and integrity are concerned, and yet our televisions are graced with a different newsflash each and every night because hey, “It’s our right, as citizens of this fair city, to know that our tax dollars are being spent to allow local college students to watch porn!”

Maybe I should’ve stuck it out in college for a couple more years!

I watch this kind of drivel and I feel like these guys are actually competing for water cooler time, which is a shame because when it all comes down to it, what do you think the hotter topic at work is going to be – Porn on College Campuses or Ross Asked Rachel to Marry Him?! When it all comes down to it, the million dollar cast of Friends is always going to beat out local gambling schemes and transportation woes and even the corruption of city hall, so it would make more sense to me, and be more beneficial to the rest of the citizens of this fair city, if they would just drop the flashy graphics and cutthroat reporting styles in exchange for an ounce of dignity and respect for their actual viewers. Pornography 101 – sure, you might think it sounds awful, but let us make our own call; Our Local Sports Stars Got Drunk Last Night and Caused a Ruckus at a Local Bar – hey, so did I; The Mayor’s Banging a New Secretary Each Week – well, our mayor’s a woman, so I might actually pay to see that one!

Just kidding, mayor…

Give us a choice and we’ll make up our own minds from there – keep me informed, but unless you can do it tastefully without pointing a finger at a concept that isn’t really as unreasonable as you think, make it quick and get back to that feature on Mrs. Stuttsman’s cat falling down the well – oh, that darned cat is always getting into all sorts of trouble!!!

Unless you can finagle Ross and Rachel themselves into roaming around campus to uncover the true filth that my tax dollars are paying for, I’m sad to say that I’d rather watch about the cat…