I don’t need to tell you what time it is, now do I?!
Admittedly, the tax season is one that I, believe it or not, actually look forward to as we pass through countless other seasons of yuletide and mirth. You see, out of all the things that bring me joy…and as you can imagine, the list is quite plentiful…few things rank up there with paying Uncle Sam my dues and each year I write that increasingly larger check with pride, knowing without a shadow of a doubt, that the entirety of my yearly income tax payment will be shamelessly wasted before I can even begin to build the anticipation for next year…
Whether it be a $3,000 fork to adorn a Presidential Kitchen tucked away in some corner of the White House or a $28,000 toilet seat to ensure that the fine men and women of our armed forces are able to relieve themselves with the utmost of luxury, I know before my John Hancock even hits those Snoopy checks that I could just as effectively contribute to our nation’s economic success by mailing to the IRS a single pebble a day from my driveway – individually – for each dollar that I allegedly owe on this year’s return. If I sound just a tad bit bitter about the whole situation, it’s because I am!
I think that I’m peeved the most simply because with all of that money to swim around in, they’re certainly not spending it on anything cool because we’d have heard about it by now, don’t you think?! Limosines and cottages in the Hamptons, horse stables and secret nuclear submarines, but frankly – that’s boring. If I had the ultimate of all government paychecks, I like to think that I’d be, well, just a little more creative with my spending! “So what exactly would I have on my list???” Well, it’s funny that you should ask…
5. More Varieties of Cheese
What – after Gorgonzola and Reblochon, the buck just stops there? With so many varieties hanging on this one, from sandwiches and wraps, tacos and nachos, and of course, lest we not forget the multitude of lasagna possibilities, I would’ve thought that we’d have scientists on this one day and night, searching endlessly for a better guda. Raise your hand if you think that we might have our priorities out of order here in America…
* raises hand adamantly *
4. The Flying Car
It’s been promising to us ever since The Jetsons, and yet here we are year after year, putzing along on the ground in our little wagons that go, what, maybe 100 mph? Despite the fact that some might argue this option only adding another dimension in which we can get into automobile accidents, I think that we need this one and we need it now!
Plus, I’ve just been dying to try out my latest pick-up line, “Hey baby – ever done it in a flying car?!” I can’t lose!
3. Pranks for the 21st Century
The whoopee cushion, the exploding golfball, the disappearing…reappearing ink – all of these were fantastic ideas, but why did the ball have to stop there? In today’s society, I truly believe that the practical joke remains an untapped market and that anyone with some advertising skills and a clever idea (such as the inflatable hotdog, just to throw an idea out there) could make a veritable killing! How’s about a little federal funding to get that idea off the ground?
2. A New Sitcom for Richard Karn
I say this because I’m watching him on The Feud right now as I write this column and despite his glaring enthusiasm for “the top seven reasons why you might be late for Cousin Suzy’s Barmitzva,” I just think that it’s really sad! I mean, the man was a genius backing up the Tool Man on Home Improvement, and even the commercials for those little sausages are pretty good, in my not-so-humble opinion, so I think that a few bucks to help good, old Al get back into a reputable position would be money well spent.
1. An Amazing Weather Machine
Another scientific anomaly, I just really thought that we’d have this one under wraps by now. Come on – it’s only weather, right? We’ve managed to conquer the mysteries of nuclear combustion, the facets of digital broadcasting, and even the wonders of flight (well, with planes anyways), and yet for some reason parades the world around are still being fouled by a few uncontrollable rain clouds?!
Just think – we all could live in tropical paradises…don’t you think that this might be something worth looking into?!
And while we’re on the topic, whatever happened to the killer bees?! Am I the only one who noticed that they were all the rage on every news channel for the longest time and then suddenly…nothing?! This concerns me more than any of this international nonsense going on – how does one just make an entire species of insect disappear off the face of the planet?! Did our tax dollars help to pay for this, or perhaps the bees themselves sensed our progress and have reformed in a remote location, plotting their next move. This is definitely something that’s going to require some investigation…