It’s progress like this that makes me afraid of one day waking up no longer wanting sugar cereal for breakfast, my friends! We’ve talked about exercise and health, the additional of a young, but vivacious plant named Rex to my living establishments, and even my slight improvement with regards to cleaning efforts around the house hasn’t gone unnoticed, but even these only stand knee-high to the latest development to come crashing into my once video game and comic-ridden lifestyle…

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time for me to buy a spice rack.

And in an attempt to head you off at the pass, let me tell you that this isn’t like one of those situations where I’ve been gently persuaded by a prominent member of the opposite sex to “pick up something to snack on from the store…that isn’t Teddy Grahams” or “clean out that nasty, disgusting shower of yours before somebody contracts a disease” – the spice rack was one that just sort of popped into my mind one day at random and believe me, I was just as surprised as you all! Of all the things that make up my being here on Planet Earth, organization is certainly not one of them, so to even fathom the concept that this is the path that my mind is now considering at this point just makes you wonder what’s next in store for our domesticated hero!

Unfortunately, however, once the dust settles and we’re all allowed a couple of minutes to get over the initial shock of such an idea, a new situation to ponder presents itself – where does one go about finding a spice rack??? Or more specifically, where do I go about finding a spice rack, because as you might recall, I have already encountered this issue once in the past (see “Why don’t they make a manly oven mitt?!” for details). Many man hours (pun intended) were spent over the course of several weeks during that particular excursion and in the end, let’s just say that compromise was in order…but I’m not so ready to admit defeat to the overpriced kitchen experts again for this one…at least not just yet…

The problem is, I actually have already been checking around to various establishments in the area – even the overpriced kitchen experts, in fact – and once again, nobody seems to have anything even along the lines of what I’m looking for. I’ve seen flower petals embossed on white-painted sheet metal, the classic “Mom’s Kitchen” wooden ensemble, complete with garden-vegetable-shaped cut-outs, and even one particularly crazy number that featured miniature gnomes to allegedly protect each of your spice jars! Yes, that’s right – miniature gnomes…as if gnomes could really get much smaller than they already are…but I wasn’t really in much of a position to be asking many questions at that point. As soon as I came to the “Spice World” spice rack, the official garnish and seasoning collection of The Spice Girls, I knew that it was about time to be moving things along!

Times like this make me wonder if I just need a wood shop student in my life – maybe I’m not quite ready to have a child myself, much less a fourteen year-old capable of operating power tools, but there’s always a chance that I might be able to rent one for a week or something, don’t you think? Of course, this is assuming that I don’t opt for the even more manly route of taking on the task with my own bare hands, but after that last incident, my girlfriend and I came to an agreement – no more belt sanders in the house and I don’t come home to find my PlayStation “in storage” at the bottom of the ornamental pond out back!

So with construction by both means out of the question, I suppose that only leaves me to turn back towards those dreaded kitchen stores to try my hand again at finding something that I wouldn’t mind bolting to the wall, ever present and demanding attention every time I go to get a drink of water in the middle of the night. And then again, there’s always the possibility that you could help find one for me! Yeah, yeah – that’s the ticket…and if you don’t feel like making a non-deductible donation to your friendly, neighborhood humor columnist’s kitchen, I guess we could always explore the option of my even sending you a check for the thing, too…

Please – I’m begging you! Don’t make me go back to the overpriced kitchen experts…the things that they do with Cilantro are unthinkable! I’ll do anything – just name your price…