I’ve never really been very good with bugs in and around our home, but if you’ve been reading for this column for any length of time you’re well aware of that creepy, crawly bit of truth. Over the years, I’ve endured everything from ants to cockroaches, wasps to spiders, and there was even that one time with the giant, radioactive scorpions … nah, just kidding. I was just checking to make sure that you were paying attention, and besides, we don’t even have giant, radioactive scorpions here in Florida. Not officially, anyways…

You can tell that the big problem probably stems from my watching entirely too many horrible monster movies growing up. I’ve found that I’m not so much worried about taking care of the single insect that’s at hand at the time, but shortly after I always end up worrying that the big momma of said bug whom I just exterminated is going to show up looking to settle the family score with me, like when I’m doing dishes and find it amusing to wash the itsy, bitsy spider that’s wandered into the sink down the drain with the sprayer, only to then wonder through the remainder of the dishes whether or not a giant, fuzzy spider the size of a breadbox is going to creep forth from the drain and send me to a watery death of my own…

…or when I find a random wasp that’s wandered into our bathroom and take him out with several well-placed blows of the nearest wedding planning encyclopedia, only to think that the next time I return home after a long, hard day at work, I’ll find that my home has been transformed into a massive nest for giant, killer wasps and I’m about to be turned into wasp-food for their little swarm of babies who have turned our guest bedroom into some sort of creepy, wasp nursery…

…or even when I take a surprising amount of pleasure from kicking over one of the fire ant hills out in the back yard and watching them scramble like their entire world has just been scattered across the yard by the hand of God, even though later I’ll worry about stumbling across a sacrilegious sand kingdom in a corner of our apartment later on that evening, teaming with millions upon millions of blood-thirsty insectoids just waiting for dinner to take a step in the wrong direction…

Ok, so I actually kind of ripped off that last one from an old episode of The Outer Limits, but still, given the tenacity of the insect kingdom I don’t think it’s a scenario that’s entirely out of the question. It’s one thing to be less squeamish than your friendly, resident humor columnist, but to simply write the little buggers off altogether just because you’re bigger than them seems a bit naïve now, doesn’t it?! I mean, what would you do when you awaken in the middle of a sweat-soaked nightmare, only to find yourself wide awake in the middle of a different sweat-soaked nightmare, except that this one features a herd of wild rhinoceros beetles rooting through your stuff, eating all of your Lucky Charms, and making grossly-suggestive advances towards your now terrified live-in girlfriend? But don’t worry – there’s nothing to fear about just a few little bugs anyways, right?!

Nah, if it’s all the same this is one that I’m going to have to continue to err on the side of imaginative caution with because for every stray ant that I don’t want wandering around my kitchen, nibbling on my potato chips when I’m not looking, there are roughly another 300 trillion waiting just out of sight … waiting, watching, planning their siege on that very same kitchen. And sure, you might suggest that I could somehow avoid such an onslaught from under the hill by simply letting those little denizens dance all over my dinner, but really, you’ve got to understand that you can’t stand down when it comes to those who creep and crawl in the night. Otherwise one day it’s few nibbles out of my ever-so-delicately constructed ham and swiss sandwich, then next it could be an entire smorgasbord of sweets being sauntered out of sight while I quiver sheepishly in the other room…

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a tough act to balance – defend one’s lunch, while at the same time not attracting so much attention as to welcome on an all-out invasion from the insect world onto my own. On one hand, those new cupcakes that I picked up are absolutely delicious, but on the other hand, have you ever tried to sleep with the threat of giant, radioactive scorpions lurking just outside your door???

Those are the kinds of things that keep me up at night…