So I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’ve reached critical mass around here…

…at least as far as the cleanliness of this condo is concerned.

And hopefully our landlord doesn’t read this because I can definitely see how it would be easy, as the actual owner of our condo, to get a little concerned about a statement like that, having invested big bucks in the property itself and a fair amount of trust in folks like us to help cover the costs. But it’s not like it’s anything that couldn’t be remedied with some soapy water and a long weekend of scrubbing and elbow grease … the thing is, my fiancée and I just aren’t all that keen on actually taking on such a clean-sweeping challenge!

I’m sure that sounds kinda bad, but admit it – at one time or another I think we’ve all gotten to that point where rather than donning yet another pair of rubber gloves to try and solve the mystery of the furry, green glob between the refrigerator and the stove, we’d much prefer to simply sneak the most valuable of our possessions out through the backdoor, lock the place up tight, and vow never to return again. That doesn’t necessarily make us bad people – lazy, filthy, bordering on pigsty-living, but not inherently bad…

My own personal problem isn’t so much with being lazy or apathetic, at least with regards to cleaning, anyways, but more so that I’m not even entirely sure that I know how to properly clean anything larger than, oh say, a plate. I mean, I can handle the utmost of basic necessities – dishes, laundry, an occasional kitchen countertop – but when it comes to dusting shelves and mopping floors and scrubbing behind places that are most likely out of sight for a reason, this is one man who will wholeheartedly admit when he’s completely dumbfounded. All of those sponges and solvents and supplies, each capable of taking down some elements of grime but not others – who can keep track of it all?!

I know this sounds like the introduction to a cheesy infomercial where Billy Mays shouts at us for a few minutes, then serves us up the cleaning innovation of the century, but even with my $19.95 (plus shipping and handling!) for the best cleaning solution this side of paying somebody else to do it for you, I still can’t guarantee that this would rectify my situation. If you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, you certainly can’t teach a guy how to don those ugly, blue rubber gloves and use a scrub brush!

And so a house hunting we will go! Our needs are really quite simple – all we need is a quaint, three-bedroom home in a nice neighborhood, with a two car garage, a floor that doesn’t get dirty, and a central air system that will suck up every speck of dust like a vacuum when we’re not around. What’s that? You say such a house doesn’t exist???

Then I guess we’re destined to be forever moving, one step ahead of the filth and grime. It’ll be a hard life, always being on the run, but in the end it still beats picking up a mop…