Many a humor column has already been written about all of the joys that come from flying “the friendly skies,” and seeing as how the flight that I’m on right now as I write this just happens to coincide with my next deadline, that’s even more airline comedy goodness that you all get to look forward to – luck you! So fasten your seatbelts, return your seatbacks to their upright and locked positions, and for God sakes, give the person sitting next to you a little breathing room! The skies were never intended to be that friendly…

I think even above the cramped seats, the rollercoaster-envious turbulence, and the mockingly minuscule snack portions, what I really love about traveling via airplane is the people. I mean seriously, nowhere else will you possibly find a higher concentration of self-absorbed idiots who couldn’t care less about the very people around them – not even in New York City! It takes a special kind of person to make it through a visit to the airport without letting these masterminds of courtesy get to you, and if you hadn’t guessed it already, I’m certainly not one of those people! Call it “fly-paper for freaks” syndrome, but when there’s a lady who doesn’t understand what the metal detector detects – I’m behind her in line; when there’s a kid who feels the need to recline his seat back and forth ad nauseam from takeoff to landing – I’m right behind him, too! Come to think of it, most of my airport qualms seem to come from getting stuck behind stupid people at one point or another, but unless someone’s able to both hook me up with a Magic FAA Fast Pass so that I can bypass the security checkpoints altogether, and then subsequently let me fly the plane myself so there’s no possible way of having a seat in front of me reclined until the claustrophobia that I never had begins to surface, there really isn’t much else that can be done.

Then again, maybe with a little common sense there is…

Here’s an idea – we create another class of airport patrons that’s defined not by the price of the tickets that we purchase, but instead by a composite score that would be derived from the amount of common sense in a person’s head and also their history of using that common sense during previous trips to the airport. Once you’ve proven yourself worthy of flying Peaceful Class, get ready for a whole new experience at the airport! Your trip starts with a complimentary shuttle service that picks you up from your home or hotel and takes you to the airport, utilizing the most efficient back roads so as to avoid those folks who can’t remember if they want the exit for Airline A or Airline B, or even if they’re supposed to be going to the airport in the first place! Upon arrival, you are escorted to the “Peaceful Class Line” at your airline’s check-in desk, which actually doesn’t have a line at all because only people like you who actually know how to pack their bags less than 50 pounds each and check-in without asking a minimum of ten million questions are allowed. From there you proceed to “Peaceful Class Security,” which is actually just a guy who waves as people walk by because we all know that airline security is pretty much pointless anyways. On the airplane itself, “Peaceful Class” fliers are actually seated at the far back of the plane, but that’s ok because not only do we board via a private walkway direct to the rear of the plane, but our section is also completely isolated with sound-proof glass from the rest of the passengers. The seats are placed father apart, thus allowing you to stretch without requiring consent from those around you, and if that alone wasn’t enough, the beverages are all served in spill-proof cups because “Peaceful Class” can isolate you from most air travel annoyances, but turbulence just isn’t one of them!

But other than the occasional bump or shuffle, really the only similarity that you will share with the other non-Peaceful Class passengers is that you’ll all end up at the same destination when the plane reaches the ground!

Of course, once on the ground you’ll immediately be reunited with your baggage, once again bypassing the posse who isn’t quite sure which large, black suitcase on wheels is theirs, and thus ends another pleasant traveling experience flying the friendly skies “Peaceful Class!” Just please keep in mind, however, that any adverse behavior throughout your travels could affect future qualifications to fly “Peaceful Class” – we can’t go ruining the trip for all of the other smart people just because you have a temporary lapse of reason that makes you lose grasp of the concept that seat 14B should fall between 14A and 14C!

But on that note of truly wishful thinking, my own personal flying tin can has successfully returned to Earth and if you don’t mind, I’ve got some quality time with my own personal space to make up! I’d like to thank all of you for laughing with me here today, so from all of me to all of you – next time I’m taking the bus…