If you’re reading this, then you’re one of the smart ones that chose to opt-out from the fruitless insanity of Black Friday shopping … that is, unless you happen to be reading this on your Blackberry while fighting off three dozen other crazies for the last Grope Me Grover doll. Granted, I still applaud you for reading my column at all – at least you’ll have a few laughs to go along with those bruises both physical and mental that you’ll likely still be nursing long after Christmas. But just for the record, you’re still crazy…

Nonetheless, as I sit here from the warm sanctuary of my humble abode, nibbling on HoneyBaked Turkey while A Muppet Christmas Carol ceremoniously plays on the television screen, I can’t help but wonder just how much insanity is actually going to take place tomorrow morning, at least with regards to getting up earlier than the crack of dawn in hopes of scoring a few ridiculous deals while also endangering your own life and the lives of other similar bargain-hunting maniacs in the process. I mean, with the current status of our economy now officially being “In the Shitter” here in America, we can’t help but wonder “Will people still go shopping on the day after Thanksgiving?” Well, after the more important pondering of “When will the turkey be done?” anyways.

And my simple, unedited response to that inquiry (the first one, not the second one)? “Of course they will – what else are they going to do … hang around the house and spend more time with their in-laws?! Now that’s just crazy talk…”

It’s one thing to endure Uncle Freddy’s mind-numblingly boring stories when there’s plenty of fresh food waiting in the kitchen and a full day’s worth of football to act as a man’s buffer from actually having to listen to anything that anybody really has to say on Thanksgiving Day, but on the day after, when the best food offerings all require a healthy dose of radiation and there are only reruns of old Christmas movies on TV for distraction purposes, I don’t think that hell on Earth would be able to separate some of the folks around here from getting up at 4:30am to go stand in line at Best Buy for their chance at a laptop for the cost of three Snickers bars and a bottle of Diet Dr. Thunder at Wal-Mart.

Heck, I hear that there are some people who not only use it as a distraction from holiday togetherness, but actually look forward to shopping on Black Friday and that’s something that I’ll never understand!

No thanks, as exhilarating as being trampled by a herd of wild, over-extended credit patrons en route to a pile of discounted Baby Pees Herself dolls sounds, call me crazy but I’d much rather spend the day dangling for my life from the roof of my own home as I attempt to recreate Clark Griswold’s own electrifying brand of illuminated holiday cheer! As much as I’m deathly afraid of heights, so much that I don’t really even like standing up on my tipy-toes for an extended length of time, there’s just something about being surrounded by hoards of ravenous, deal-craving consumers that makes me think that maybe this isn’t such a bad time to tackle that acrophobia, anyways! Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? A few broken bones, maybe a concussion, and the awe and admiration from all of my neighbors within a three block radius? Go shopping and I’m more likely to just slither home boasting the first two, possibly also with a $29 piece of junk DVD player…

…but that’s only if I’m “lucky” enough to be one of the first fifty folks in line…

So to all of you overly-ambitious Americans out there looking to make the most out of this day after Thanksgiving, which conveniently so many of us apparently have off from work – take it from me, there are much better (and safer) ways to avoid spending time with your relatives who flew into town for the Thanksgiving holiday. Retreat to the roof, or the garage, or even just spend the afternoon hiding in the bushes out front while you “double-check the wiring” in those Christmas lights, but don’t put your life at risk by thinking you can get a $49 piece of electronics for $48. Even if you’re a complete and total loser, your life is still worth more than a dollar.

This message has been brought to you by the Foundation for the Folks Who Find Black Friday Freaking Nuts (FFWFBFFN).