I learned an important lesson recently…
Just as one shouldn’t go grocery shopping when they’re hungry, it’s also probably not such a bright idea to follow-up by throwing the groceries in the car with you instead of out of reach in the trunk! And sure, we’ve all done it to some degree – snuck a breadstick or a slice of pizza on the way out of the pizzeria parking lot or cracked open a bag of potato chips for the ride home, but you transcend to an entirely different level when you catch yourself sneaking pieces of delicious, sugar-infused ham out of the foil after leaving the HoneyBaked Ham store with the centerpiece of your Easter dinner.
Let me tell you, nothing pisses off another driver on the road quite like when they look over and see that the reason the car they were stuck behind for the last ten minutes was driving 20 mph under the speed limit was because it was being driven by a guy preoccupied with stuffing his face full of ham, even if said ham just so happens to be the tastiest ham to ever come out of a pig’s rear and then cure in a mouth-watering blend of brown sugar, honey, and other sweetness unknown to us mere ham consumers.
And just for the record, I’d like to say that you haven’t truly experienced temptation until you’ve had to drive 30 miles home with a delicious, honey-glazed ham sitting there wantonly in the passenger seat beside you. I don’t feel ashamed for my actions – in fact, I actually feel proud of the sheer control that it took for me to refrain from just pulling off to the shoulder altogether and diving in teeth-a-blazin’ to that heavenly dish. But mind you, we’re not here to talk about me and my problems – we’re here to talk about the sweet, sweet glory of ham in all of its righteousness…
Now, I understand that not everyone out there has found the perfect ham just yet, and that makes me sad because my own life has been changed by the glory of ham in such a profound way that there are times when I want to go up to my rooftop and just shout out for all to hear, “My ham is an awesome ham – with it all sandwiches are possible!” And that’s why I wanted to take a few moments this week to encourage anyone out there who hasn’t done so already to open their mouths and welcome the amazing glory that is HoneyBaked Ham into your digestive systems. You don’t have to do it all at once – it’s ok to start with just a little with some cheese and crackers if you’re not quite ready for a full-blown, life-altering big sandwich just yet, but the important thing is that you recognize this sweet and succulent ham to be the only deli offering that matters, not only for enjoyment during your Easter dinner with friends and family, but even for lunch to break up an otherwise mundane work day or as a midnight snack while you watch crazy folk beat each other senseless with folding chairs on late night television.
So I guess that there are actually two things that you can learn from today’s column:
1) Unless you want to be known as that pig who couldn’t wait until he got home to dive into, well, the pig, plan a distraction so that you don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself the way I did on my way home from the ham store the other day. Stow your prized ham in the trunk, bring a friend to ride shotgun and provide that much-needed moral support, or if nothing else, send someone else with a little more self restraint to pick up the Easter ham. Ultimately they won’t be able to deny its sweet, succulent flavors, either, but it saves you looking like a hog.
2) HoneyBaked Ham truly is the king of all hams. All other delicatessen meats should humble in its presence, and for anyone who hasn’t yet experienced the deliciousness of said ham on their own plates, there still might be time to catch that coupon in the paper that’s good for five bucks off a ham of $34.99 or higher!
Have a safe, happy, and most of all delicious Easter, folks. May the ham be with you…
A Brief Note to Representatives of The HoneyBaked Ham Company:
I don’t think I need to tell you that your ham is awesome, but as you can see, I’m more than happy to help share that kind of unconditional love with my readers! Feel free to drop me a line if you read this brilliantly penned column featuring your wondrous, all-star of a product and let’s make my talking great about your delicious ham a regular thing! Heck, you can probably pay me in ham*, so it’s really a win-win situation for both of us!
* Actually, in all seriousness I am going to need a check, payable to Comedic-Genius Media, but I’d still be more than happy to say that you paid me in ham because, well, your ham is just that good.