Ahhh, the 4th of July – a day of hotdogs and baked beans, picnics in the park, and fireworks soaring overheard, all to the tune of God Bless the USA. It’s one of those days that really makes you stop and think about things – the price of independence, what freedom truly means at the end of the day, and if you’re anything like me, you also find yourself wondering one of the most important questions of all – is my car adequately equipped to help protect me during an alien invasion???

And the more I think about it, sadly, in my case, the answer to that question is a very emphatic, neck-snapping NO!

I suppose if there’s one major fault in the convertible’s design, that would be it – sweet car that drives the ladies wild, great for a sunset cruise down the beach with the wild in your hair and the sweet smell of the sea in the air, but when faced with an alien invasion that threatens all of humanity with those blue phaser beams of theirs that blow up everything in their paths and send automobiles for miles flying into the air … not so good! In the great battle of vehicles that you want to be inside when it gets flipped upside down by a giant explosion, car with roof beats car without roof hands down every time…

Now I know you’re probably thinking that the reality of this particular little scenario is less likely to happen than a redneck saying, “Nah – I’m going to pass on the bottle rockets this year on account of my being stone-cold drunk and not wanting to set the neighbor’s lawn on fire again…”, but if there’s one thing that I’ve learned this week after watching Independence Day approximately 183 times in preparation for this patriotic day, it’s that alien invasion can happen at any time – even when you’re getting ready to spend your holiday barbecuing with friends or wallowing in the misery left behind from your failed marriage with a pretty hot chick … at least for your league. Additionally, it’s also probably worth noting that you can’t necessarily count on the government to have any more intelligence about an impending attack than, say, your average cable repair man, and if you can handle the never-ending “Awww, hell naw!”-s and the fact that you will never be the coolest guy in the room, staying within the immediate vicinity of Will Smith at all times is probably the safest thing you can do to ensure that you’re around for the sequel.

Unfortunately I, myself, am at a bit of an impasse here, for much like your average SUV driver, I’m simply far too stubborn to admit that my vehicle of choice is unsafe for me to drive, let alone anyone else who might opt to be out there on the road during our next alien invasion, and frankly, in a toss-up between looking cool and ensuring that my neck doesn’t snap when my car is thrust into the air after our annihilators engage their primary weapon … I really can’t afford not to drive around these parts putting my life at risk every day! Unless Will Smith himself is willing to cruise around town with me riding shotgun to help counterbalance the coolness factor of trading in the convertible for something a little more invasion-friendly, I’m just going to have to take my chances with the ride that offers the threat of rainstorms on the best of summer days here in Florida and a fury of flames and mass chaos on the worst.

So on that happy thought, I wish you all a safe and joyous Independence Day! And to our future alien overlords from another dimension, go easy on the explosions, will ya? I can wield a mean pick-axe in your slave-labor mining operations, but not so much with a broken neck…