I’d like to take a moment today to talk to you about something very near and dear to my heart. It’s something that has touched millions of lives around the world – it’s certainly been a huge part of my life for a number of years, and I hope that I can continue to keep it in my life for many years to come.

Today I’d like to talk to you about … pornography.

Awkward yet???

And that’s coming from me – good, old fun-loving Scott who jokes about even the craziest of topics! Maybe that’s the key – if I’d come to you wanting to joke about porno, which if memory serves I’ve been known to do from time to time, then that’d have all been just fine and dandy, but to have a serious discussion about pornography and it’s personal impact on one’s life? Well now, that’s a discussion best left for your priest, or your wife, or at the very most some random stranger who’s charging you $4.95 a minute over the phone! It’s not something that you would ever even dream of engaging in a casual conversation about with, oh say, the lady who cuts your hair down at Supercuts!

At least that’s why I thought until those eerie words were spoken out of the blue, nearly causing me to fall out of my chair if I hadn’t also been painfully aware of the fact that doing so could very well cause a pair of scissors to go through my head. You may recall from previous columns that when it comes to getting my hair cut, I’m one of those people who frankly put, likes to be left the hell alone! I don’t want to try to explain to you what I do for a living so you can pretend to care, I don’t want to tell you what my plans are for later on this evening (primarily because they’re embarrassingly boring), so really, if I get my way, I don’t want to have to tell you anything other than “just take about an inch off all over the place and trim up the sides.” Nonetheless, I’ve also grown accustomed to the idea that sometimes in the interests of not wanting to have to wear a hat for the next six weeks, it’s occasionally necessary to just play along and try to fake a conversation. That said, how does one proceed when faced with an opening line like this:

“Do you know what makes more money than football, baseball, and basketball combined?”

Admittedly, I didn’t know.

“Pornography.”

Ok. I guess that made sense. But she continued…

“Oh yeah – I saw it on TV. There’s billions of dollars made every year on pornography! It’s really incredible…”

Now for a guy who normally prefers to keep his chair-time socialization to an absolute minimum, how do you really respond to such an introduction to conversation?! I mean, sure, it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if the porn industry racked in that kind of dough – I’ve probably even helped contribute to those numbers over the years! Still, it’s one of those things that I kind of like to keep on the down low, as I understand the kiddies call it these days, and at that point I’d have gladly talked about the weather or what TV reruns I’d planned on watching that evening or pretty much any other topic imaginable to avoid continuing this pornographic debacle.

Maybe I took the wrong approach and curtailed what could’ve very well grown into an intellectually stimulating discussion about adult imagery in our modern society. Maybe my hairstylist was a bit of a pornography connoisseur herself and wanted to exchange bookmarks and talk shop with a guy who appeared to be of similar ilk, if you will. Then again, maybe she had a little home-based business, if you know what I mean – wink wink, and was simply trying to drum up a little business on the side. Is it time for us to break down these walls of society insecurities and bring pornography out of the home and into the beauty salon where it can spread its wings and fly on its own?!

Why not ask your hairstylist the next time you’re in for a trim and see what she (note: does not apply to male hairstylists) has to offer on this matter? Don’t let the my own pornographic-discussion-squeamishness stifle the progress of the adult industry into such new and exciting mainstream, personal grooming venues! Really, what’s the worst that could happen?

…aside from getting slapped in the face, sued for sexual harassment, or shaved bald, that is…