I don’t want to point any fingers or anything, but some of the appliances around here aren’t exactly utilizing all of their circuitry to maximum capacity, if you know what I’m saying…

And as much as I’ve attempted to broach the subject with grace and sensitivity in the past, there comes a breaking point in every man’s life where if he can’t rely on his microwave to pull its own weight around the house, it’s go time, my friends … and by go time, I mean that it’s time to go to the store to find some replacements for these lousy excuses for advances in technology to make one’s home life easier and more efficient! Yeah, that’s right – go ahead and laugh, dishwasher. The microwave ain’t the only sleek, white appliance in this kitchen that’s been performing its primary function at a less than optimal amplitude around here lately!

Man, it’s so hard to find good help around this place these days, let me tell you…

So what finally pushed me over that proverbial edge towards electronic angst, you ask? Believe it or not, it wasn’t soapy dishes or half-cooked chicken nuggets or even moderately damp underwear…although that reminds me that I need to get a guy to come out and look at that, too. No, in all reality it was actually quite the simple function that sent me into my most recent furious rage with regards to household helping hands, and just between you and me, I think it was really only a matter of time before it happened…

Clocks.

Yeah, that’s right – I said clocks, all italicized and everything just to further emphasize my frustration! The final straw allegedly presented itself around 6:54am last Monday morning, at which time our local power company proved once again that reliability simply isn’t something that their average residential consumer can’t buy for a combined 12.639 cents per kilowatt hour. Our power goes out so frequently around here that it really makes me wonder just exactly what kind of hamsters they’ve got running the wheels down there these days, but this particular rant isn’t about how much our local power company sucks (“Progress Energy: We’ve got your energy right here…”) – no, my beef today is with what the various appliances around my house choose to do or not do with said energy as it ebbs and flows like the mighty oceans encompassing big, beautiful blue sphere we call Earth.

…because what confuses me is while some of the appliances around this place somehow manage to endure those gentle fluctuations without so much as batting an eye or losing a single configuration, others … and I won’t name any names (*cough * microwave *cough*) … see the slightest variation in electrical current as a prime opportunity for blanking out entirely and forgetting everything they’ve ever known about life in my humble abode. And really, there isn’t all that much required of said appliances to memorize – the time, and maybe how long it takes to cook a bag of popcorn, so what gives?!

And to be completely honest with you, I think I’d even be ok with the occasional appliance Alzheimer’s if only they’d take a little responsibility and at least acknowledge that they have a problem. A little communication goes a long ways, and besides, even when the power flickers and the microwave loses all sense of time, the stove is right there below it, broadcasting out the same old time like it’s common knowledge. Why can’t the microwave just take a little initiative and shout out, “Hey, stove? I’m a little lost up here – have you got the time?” Take your problems into your own hands for once instead of just sitting their like a chump, waiting for somebody else to come along and reset your clock for you…

…because right now, that somebody else typically ends up being me and not for nothing, but I’ve just got better things to do than keep reminding you what time it is whenever the power company gives us inadequate service and trips your forgetful circuit. I’m serious this time – you’re on thin ice, mister! And don’t think I won’t go out and buy a newer model over a stupid clock because I’m just crazy enough to do it. Ask the toaster if you don’t believe me … all he had to do was sit there on the counter and not get crumbs all over the place, but I’m not here to babysit you kitchen aids.

I know you might think that I’m coming off kind of harsh, but it’s for your own good, really. You want to be the best appliances that you can be, now don’t you? Don’t worry, it’s something that we can work on together, as long as you’re willing to put in the time.

Now how’s about heating me up a bowl of soup, for old time’s sake?