A guy’s Christmas list says a lot about what kind of person he is. Some guys want nothing but the most expensive, high-tech toys that money can buy (i.e. the fun stuff) while others prefer more sensible items like clothes and electric razors (i.e. the boring stuff). And believe it or not, there’s even a select group of troubled spirits who cite that they don’t want anything for Christmas, but those type of people depress me so we’re not going to talk about them here today on Christmas Eve, of all days!
As for me, when *I* unwrap gifts on Christmas morning I want them to be unique, and not so much unique as in hideous sweaters that nobody would be caught dead in as much as just the types of gifts that I would enjoy, but might not necessarily purchase myself. When it comes to Christmas, I’m not interested in practicality – if I would pick it up myself at Walmart on a random Tuesday night, I don’t want to find it underneath my tree! But show me singing fish and Mario-themed slippers and board games about sexual innuendos and I’ll be one happy humorist come Christmas morn…
So with that said, I’ve put together the following list of a few suggestions for what yours truly wouldn’t mind discovering underneath our tree tomorrow morning. Whether Santa chooses to indulge my meager requests and really knock one out of the park this year or once again cuts corners by giving me more conventional presents in place of something truly awesome, believe you me – as soon as I know, you’ll know!
HoneyBaked Ham’s Ham of the Month Club
To enjoy their luscious ham come Christmastime is truly divine, but to also have the luxury of partaking in its sweet and succulent deliciousness all year long?! Mmmmm – my taste buds are already salivating with delight … talk about a way to make checking the mail a whole lot more exciting! You get the crackers and cheese, and I’ll go wait by the mailbox…
Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that road rage is a big part of my life, so this particular gift is intended to help alleviate some of those less than pleasant experiences! It seems like it should be pretty simple, too – just install some of those awesome, telescoping spider legs underneath my car so that I can rise up above and drive over all of the idiots that I tend to encounter on a daily basis and suddenly city driving actually seems … tolerable!
What’s so special about a $49 pair of underwear? Why are the salesladies so snooty when their entire job consists of convincing guys that our wives, girlfriends, or significant lady-friend others will love us long time for a pair of $49 underwear? What’s the return policy for said underwear if, for some odd reason, our wives, girlfriends, or significant lady-friend others don’t become the amazing sex goddesses that the commercials portray after unwrapping them on Christmas morning?
I don’t know about you, but I know that I’m ready to know the answers to these questions…
Sure, the one that my wife bought me for my birthday this year was pretty sweet, but I think I’m ready to take the next step in LEGO awesomeness … even if it means giving up my parking spot in the garage to do so! Of course, there’s always the issue of the time that would be required to assemble such a massive display of toy brick architecture, not to mention what I would assume would be the overwhelming desire to continue to build an entire Jurassic Park out of LEGOs once the first dino has been “born,” but we can always cross that bridge when we get to it!
Hedonism-Sized Chocolate Fountain
Some days you want to dip merely a strawberry or maybe some nice banana slices in a light chocolate fondue, while others you might prefer to just cut right to the chase and dip your entire body in rich and creamy milk chocolate. You probably won’t find this treat at your average wedding, bar mitzvah, or company Christmas party, but sanitationally speaking, it’s probably one of those things where you’re just better off owning your own anyways…
My Very Own Muppet
Pretty much the best gift for any true Muppet fan aside from The Muppet Show coming back on the air after twenty-eight years, what better way to say, “You’re kind of a weirdo, but Merry Christmas anyways…” than with a genuine Muppet extra that looks exactly like them?! Purple hair, blue skin, round, beady eyes – the similarities are uncanny!
A Pinball Machine
Just between you and me, I think the epitome of coolness is having your own pinball machine – it trumps having a pool, a pool table, or even simply being in charge of the neighborhood carpool. I used to play a bit of pinball myself back in the day and while truth be told I was actually pretty horrible at it, I think I’m finally at a place in my life where with a good 6 – 8 hours a day of practice, I could probably hone my skills considerably…
Best of luck to all of you as you strive to unwrap awesomeness less than 24 hours from now, and may all of your Christmas gifts be unique!