Ladies, you’re not fooling anyone…

You may think you’re being all slick and stealth, stashing your empty Chunky Monkey container at the bottom of the garbage can, beneath all of the other garbage so as to disguise its presence to the common passerby … but don’t be so naïve to think that yours truly wouldn’t see through your marginally clever ruse.  Sure, at a first glance, no one would ever suspect that underneath all of that trash lies the remnants of 1,200 calories worth of rich and creamy, chocolate-infused bliss, but between those succulent bites of frozen perfection, just try and remember exactly who it is that you’re dealing with here…

I’m the guy who’s been able to call each and every gift under the tree Christmas morning since I was seven, the guy who always has to “act surprised” when somebody tries to throw me a party, the guy who dominated the community Easter egg hunts right up until they told me I was too old to participate.  And I still say that twenty-two years old is plenty youthful to enjoy a good scavenge right alongside the rest of those little punks, but regardless, the point I’m really trying to make here is that frankly, your little dairy diversion didn’t stand a snowflake’s chance in someplace of a moderately warm climate of slipping by a man of the crack deductive skills that I just so happen to possess.

Of course, it’s not only of the hidden, secretive variety that I strive to uncover – no, the tasks of The Ice Cream Detective also include missions of reconnaissance, recovery, and even simply misplaced desserts of all shapes and sizes.  I can remember this one time when an elderly client enlisted my talents to help her find a five-gallon bucket of strawberry ice cream that she had purchased for her granddaughter’s birthday party that afternoon – it turned out that not only was her granddaughter actually off at college and celebrating with her friends that year, but the ice cream that she had purchased for the absent-minded occasion was pistachio, not strawberry!

At the end of the day, though, I still managed to recover those missing sweets and that granny enjoyed quite the sundae that evening nonetheless as she watched the elegant detectivetry of one Angela Lansbury on Murder, She Wrote.  Sure, it was a pretty open and shut case because the ice cream had simply shifted behind a half-opened box of Gorton’s Fish Sticks in the freezer, but it was a good paycheck all the same and I even managed to score a banana split out of it, too … call it a perk of the job!  Not every case involves soft serve heists and mysterious sprinkle disappearances – sometimes it’s nice to just solve an easy one every once in a while where you know from a Polident-soaked smile that your efforts are appreciated…

But back to the task at hand – this camouflaged conundrum of concealed confections … what to do, what to do?  With the evidence unearthed, it’s now time to explore motives, for could this be a simple and random act of indulgence to be disguised in shame or a far more sinister introduction of a plot to smuggle high-end frozen treats for fun and profit?  And while I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt – really, I would, I know all too well of the demand for Cherry Garcia and Karamel Sutra just as much as you do – if ever there was a reason for something to be afoot, over 55 flavors filled with savory fruits, decadent chocolates, and a plethora of other succulent ingredients certainly sound like motive materials to me.

Nevertheless, we will get to the bottom of this mellifluous mystery and if it does turn out that mischief is afoot?  Well, I’m only the detective, but rest assured that wherever frosty deceit reigns, I’ll always be there to take the case – for I am The Ice Cream Detective, and my favorite flavor is mystery.