Isn’t it amazing what you can get done when you’re floating out in the middle of nowhere?
Let me tell you, I used to think that taking a trip down to the local Taco Bell, with its extra-value-packed menus and more importantly, its distinct lack of Internet access, was just the thing to help hoist myself out of the proverbial pit of procrastination and back onto that path towards the written word once again, but if I’ve learned one thing over the last week, it’s that sometimes full blown isolation from all things animal, vegetable, and mineral is a sacrifice worth taking into consideration when it seems that the creative juices have all but runneth dry…
Well, isolation within reason, anyways!
You see, I don’t know about other writers, but for me scribbling these words down on paper in an order that’s even moderately amusing to your average, non-intoxicated reader can sometimes be a tricky thing. I mean, sure, it’s one thing to sit down and say that you’re going to write The Great American Humor Column, but the execution of that epic bout of showmanship is another feat altogether! If you’re anything like me, by the time you finally do get all good and situated in your favorite chair, with a cold and refreshing beverage resting in the coaster and plenty of delicious snacks ready to help sustain your imagination through the journey, the weekend’s over, you’ve managed to watch every old episode of The Simpsons on the DVR, and you’re no closer to penning that snippet of comedy gold than you are learning how to tap dance or finally cleaning out that disgusting “potato salad” from the back of the refrigerator.
Of course, nobody ever said that writing was easy, however for those who find themselves in a similar situation, I think it’s plain to see that all of the distractions are to blame. Granted, it’s understandable up to a point because Homer Simpson is the epitome of the lovable oaf who you just can’t stay mad at, even after he’s just chased Bart through the living room on the lawn mower, but nonetheless at the end of the day spending its entirety laughing at the genius that is Matt Groening doesn’t do much to help put chicken gravy on my biscuits so a plan to circumvent this perpetual procrastination is certainly in order!
Fortunately, I had a bit of free time to think on the topic this week and, if I don’t say so myself, I think I came up with an utterly brilliant way to prevent this type of sordid scenario from ever damming my own creative current again – from this day forth, all of my humor columns are going to be written on cruise ships.
If you think about it, it’s really the perfect environment for inspiring the imagination – the overpriced Internet access makes it fiscally impossible to waste time on Facebook, the gentle crashing of the waves drones out the mindless banter of your fellow cruise-goers, and they’ve even got pizza on-demand, 24-hours a day! Sure, you might suggest that the pool or the casino would more than make up for any distractions to be found at home, but really, how long are you going to spend wedged in the pool or flushing nickels down the toilet anyways?! 30 minutes and $8.65 later, you’ll be back at that keyboard as fresh as a daisy!
And to prove my shockingly incredible brainstorming right here and now, it might behoove you to know that this very column was written on a cruise ship. That’s right, folks – the proof is in the pudding, and I think you’d all agree with me that said pudding tastes even better when served directly to your stateroom on a silver platter with just a few small sprigs of mint on the side as garnish, chilled ever so slightly as to lock in the flavor. Frankly, with the relaxing sounds of the ocean and a slice of freshly baked pepperoni pizza to gingerly coax me from one witticism to the next, it was almost too easy to pound out this week’s celebration of wit and wonder before frolicking up to the main deck for a strawberry margarita at sunset.
But send word out to all of my fellow humorists, friends and neighbors, for there’s still plenty of room on this ship for the worst of us and if enduring the lush, tropical ambiance of the Caribbean, with its breathtaking views and umbrella-laden drinks, is what it’s going to take to keep writers like us on track, then it’s a sacrifice that I, for one, am ready to make. Just give it a shot for yourself and I think you’ll find the strides in your own productivity to be nothing short of legendary!
In return, I only ask one thing – just remember who came up with this idea if you find yourself ahead of me in the pizza line…