Do you think that turkeys celebrate holidays?
Well, obviously they probably wouldn’t celebrate this one, or at least the vast majority of them wouldn’t, anyways. Maybe that one who’s lucky enough to get pardoned by the President might, but I’ve got to imagine that all of the other turkeys would just be more jealous and resentful about the honor than anything else … I mean, it’s kind of tough to be happy for your buddy who’s getting a free trip to Disneyland when your own next stop is between the mashed potatoes and gravy on a random dinner table far, far away from the likes of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!
Still, it makes me wonder if maybe on one of those other 364 days not specifically earmarked for their race getting eaten alongside Grandma’s old-fashioned cranberry sauce and five different kinds of pie, maybe turkeys have a day when they like to get together themselves to overindulge on grasses and grains and small bugs and all sorts of other things that Wikipedia just told me that wild turkeys eat! For all we know, they might go to great lengths to get the entire flock together under one tree branch just like us people do, even though they just know that at some point during the day Uncle Larry is going to throw one of his tantrums and storm out into the open field when his brothers start to push his buttons about that wasted degree in Socio-Economics that he never uses…
As the old saying goes – “Birds of a feather … can’t stand to be together!”
Now I try not to psychoanalyze everything that I eat, but let’s face it, football is really boring and when the only other thing to do is sit around and eat all day, it was really bound to come to this eventually. I mean, at least I’m not trying to explore the inner mind of the mashed potatoes or the green bean casserole – that would just be crazy, and besides, we all know that vegetables are traditionally the dumbest foods around the dinner table, anyways. There’s a reason why people who just lie around the house watching TV all day are referred to as vegetables, as opposed to dinner rolls or even that weird, green jello salad thing that only the adults eat!
No matter what pseudo-intellectual angle you try to put on it in a vain attempt to pass the time, though, I think one truth rings unmistakably clear – today is simply a rough day to be a turkey … especially one that tastes exceptionally sweet … and juicy … and practically melts in your mouth with a delectable honey-glaze that totally makes it well worth $10.38/lb at your local HoneyBaked Ham store ($4 off with coupon).
While it may be a day of thanks and celebration for the rest of us as we pile on the fixin’s and loosen our belts for one more gluttonous piece of sweet potato pie, just remember one thing – if you had been born a turkey, you could totally be riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland right now instead of listening to Uncle Larry drone on about the worst decline of the Gross Domestic Product since 1982…