And I say that not so much with concern regarding the spreading of swine flu as much as simply a meager plea to the sinus gods who are currently beating my very being to a swollen pulp … I’d be willing to bet my last bottle of NyQuil that everyone out there would agree that when you’re sick, and I mean truly plastered to the bed, stuck watching whatever drivel plagues afternoon television-sick, pretty much the single most painful thing a person can do is the everyday, the seemingly innocent, but therefore all the more devastating … the sneeze.
Now I don’t know what it is about being at the bottom of your own respective barrel, but it certainly seems that everything painful – from stubbed toes to banged up shins – are all amplified to the Nth degree when one finds himself under the weather. Still, they can’t help but pale in comparison to the soul-shattering, bone-weakening apocalypse that is the common sneeze … which frankly is even more bizarre because while cracking one’s big toe on the edge of the door or connecting a kneecap squarely with a dresser drawer that has been negligently left ajar quite obviously should hurt even on the best of days, I don’t know about you, but as far as I’ve been lead to understand, sneezes aren’t normally what one would classify as a painful experience in your normal, everyday life!
Recently I found myself on the receiving end of this ungodly, bone-wrenching force as a result of all of the uncharacteristically frigid weather that has been beating down upon us as of late and let me tell you, having endured a total of three sneezes throughout the duration of said ailment, I for one think I’m pretty lucky to be alive to tell the tale here today! I mean, sure the incessant coughing was enough to make me sound like one of Homer Simpson’s in-laws, and judging by the size of Mount St. Kleenex as she continues to tower over my nightstand, the sniffles were certainly no picnic, either, but if I could trade them all for the absence of sneezing the next time I get sick? Well, let’s just say that I’d happily take up residence inside Mount St. Kleenex, which I can only imagine would not be a very fun place to live, especially when eruptions plague its fluffy, white mountainside…
But back to the question at hand – really, what is it that makes sick sneezes so much more potent than your average, everyday, walking through the park kind of sneeze??? Seriously, inquiring sinuses want to know – there’s got to be at least one mildly educated, medically trained reader out there who’s been saying to herself for the last five minutes, “It’s elementary, my dear humor columnist! You see, the capillaries expand at an astounding rate, and when you’re sick, it causes your metabolic consistency to triple, which results in the common sneeze actually feeling like someone took a sledgehammer to your very skeletal structure…” If you happen to be that person, for god sakes write in and share with us your infinite wisdom – this isn’t a Where do babies come from?-kind of secret, you know – this is important!
In the meantime, though, while we wait for that one good Samaritan in the crowd to shed some sunlight on the scathing severity of these sickly sneezes, my deepest condolences go out to any and everyone who currently finds themselves laid up, broken down, bedridden, indisposed, or otherwise under the weather. Of course, the chances of avoiding one or more of these sobering sneezes altogether throughout the course of your own ailment are impossible at best, but at the very least perhaps they could aim more for the realm of aching and crippling as opposed to dilapidating and bone shattering.
Good luck, my sniffling, mucus-laden brethren – your shortage of sneezes will be in our utmost prayers…