A lot of people wonder what it actually is about soap that makes them clean.

I know that I used to, that is, until one very special shower when I first learned about the myth, the legend, The Ultramarines…

It was what you would’ve expected to be your typical, everyday shower, and yet in reality it was, in fact, the single most momentous bathing experience that I would ever enjoy … at least since those days when my Mom used to buy me those little capsules to throw in the bathtub that would magically turn into little foam dinosaurs – man, those things were sweet! But nonetheless, my findings in the shower on this particular Saturday morning were very much sweet as well because it was then that I found myself having a revelation.

Now this is not necessarily uncommon, so to speak – the bathroom is actually where most of my revelations take place – but this one stood out as particularly special because it was during this very forty-five minute shower that I unlocked the secret to my own cleanliness.  It had been right in front of my own eyes the entire time, although in my defense I don’t normally shower with my contacts in, so maybe that’s why I overlooked it in the past.  Either way, it was right there, written on the bottle in simple, black text so as not to boast, nestled proudly in the list of ingredients between Talc and Chromium Hydroxide Green…

The Ultramarines.

I know that I, for one, had to stop and take a minute as my mind pieced everything together.  The lack of dirt and grime, the pleasant, post-shower aroma, the generally squeaky-clean feeling – of course … it all seemed so obvious now! How silly of me to think that merely a bunch of random chemicals were to thank for the daily ridding of bacteria and miscellaneous crud from this withered temple of a body of mine!  It was plain to see that there was a greater power at work here, putting their own lives at risk to ensure that I didn’t spend my days grossing everybody out wherever I walked.  These were the ones who were directly responsible for my cleanliness, and now that I know all about their dedicated servitude, I couldn’t be more grateful.

From my non-existent knowledge of shower-related chemistry, I can certainly tell you that The Ultramarines are a key asset in defeating the utmost of dirt and grime that has nestled its way into parts of your body unknown.  They often times get taken for granted, doing the dirty work that sends other cleaning agents running for the hills, but they do their job dutifully and without a need for praise nonetheless – The Few, The Proud, The Ultramarines.

Sometimes it’s important to take the time to stop and read the ingredients on the side of your bottle of body wash – if I hadn’t, I would’ve never known about these brave souls and all that they do for me.  In fact, not everyone’s body wash of choice actually employs the work of The Ultramarines to enforce general neatness from head to toe.  My wife has this one that has crème ribbons in it – I have no idea what that means, but I do know that crème ribbons are a far cry from The Ultramarines.  Also, I get really hungry for dessert every time I hear the phrase crème ribbons … doesn’t it sound like something you’d get in a silver dish after eating one of those really fancy meals where everything is overpriced and the waiter is kind of stuck up?  Mmmmmm, crème ribbons…

Anyways, my point here today is simply this – don’t just bathe the next time you step into the shower.  After you’ve made the shampoo mohawk and taken some time to reflect about your day to come, do also take just a moment to read the bottle and see what exactly it is that’s working for you to make sure that day starts off all squeaky and bright.  And if in looking through that list you see mention of The Ultramarines, give thanks for the astonishing cleansing action which you are about to witness and benefit from, as their work is truly a sight to see and will leave you feeling fresh and refreshed all day long.

If The Ultramarines aren’t present in that very list, though, don’t give up hope just yet, for sometimes finding relief is as simple as choosing a different bottle of soap.  They’re out there waiting, and all you have to do is ask, so just remember…

If you have odor problems, if no other soap can help, and if you can find them in the bath section of your local super center, maybe you can hire … The Ultramarines!