I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t exactly take the best care of my teeth.
Well, actually my dentist would probably be the first to admit that, but honestly I try not to hang out with her as much these days because all she ever wants to do is nag on and on about “cavities” and “gingivitis” and how “all of your teeth are going to eventually just fall out of your head if you keep neglecting them like this…”
I mean – who needs that kind of negativity in their life?!
And it’s not that I don’t want to have pearly-white, sparkling chompers – quite the contrary, actually. I’d love to have the kind of straight and narrow, blindingly pristine teeth that only people on TV and in the movies have … the kind that make all the rest of us feel embarrassed to eat solid foods in public, but between you and me, I’ve just never really been interested enough in that whole hyper-obsessive dental care subculture to get behind all of the flossing and fluorides and even those creepy white strips that are apparently supposed to just rip the grime right off your teeth like a piece of duct tape!
The thing is, as you may have come to expect from me at this point, I’m the kind of guy who really needs a good gimmick to get me behind a new product that I’m going to have to use every single day. Don’t waste your time preaching to me about revolutionary results or the promise of a whiter smile in 14 days or less – what I’m looking for is your razzle-dazzle, your buzzwords, your ridiculous marketing campaigns that don’t make a lick of sense if we overanalyze them … like we’re about to do right now. Obviously, when we’re talking about clean teeth, and I mean vividly white, sparkling teeth, there’s really only one stone in the realm of toothpaste technology that’s been left unturned … and of course, I’m talking about 3D!!!
Now I know what you’re thinking – “But Scott, my teeth are already in 3D, just like basically everything else that currently exists here in the real world!” And sure, I suppose that you actually have a really good point there – it’s perfectly valid to cite that unless we’re watching a movie about your teeth or perhaps even looking at some old-time photographs, 3D technology is really about as useless as surround sound or heart-attack-inducing buttered popcorn here in the real world, but all practicalities aside, I think the true hidden gem about what makes 3D toothpaste so exciting isn’t necessarily whatever pointless bragging points that it brings to the table today, but more so how 3D toothpaste is paving the way for even more amazing dental care technology to come in the future!
You know, stuff like…
- 4D Toothpaste that actually traverses the barriers of space and time so that you’ll have whiter teeth in pictures that you took decades ago!
- Rumble-Action Toothpaste to make your entire mouth shake with excitement whenever the slightest amount of plaque is awaiting your brushing efforts.
- IMAX Toothpaste that will make your teeth grow to 5x their normal size … which might actually present some other logistical problems, but I’m sure science will figure out all of the dangers long before they’ll deem it fit for human consumption…
Yes, the future is a bright and sparkling one in the world of advanced teeth whitening, and it’s all thanks to the incredible, albeit completely unnecessary innovation that 3D toothpaste brings us here today. Sure, we’ve still got a few questions to work out – like do I have to wear those 3D glasses while I’m brushing, or do my friends and family need to wear them if they want to experience the full, eye-catching effects that my teeth will soon have to offer? Basically, how do the glasses fit into this whole teeth whitening solution in general, and also, is it ok to just “borrow” a pair from one of those overpriced movies at the theater or is a special pair approved by the American Dental Association for 3D required for the optimal teeth-viewing experience???
Make no mistake about it – 3D toothpaste is going to revolutionize the way we look at brushing our teeth and open doors to new teeth cleansing dimensions that we haven’t even discovered yet! The minty fresh, multi-dimensional bandwagon is here – are you ready to climb aboard?