…because boy, am I sure going through the stuff like it’s going out of style lately…

And as much as I wish I could attribute it to merely being a klutz around the kitchen or perhaps a marathon of mummy-making fun-time with the wife, no … instead the Sevener household here has literally been going through cases upon cases of paper towels at a time and it’s all thanks to the unpredictable bladder of one little puppy who continues to surprise us not only with her everlasting adorableness, but also with all of the strange and inconvenient places where she still continues to pee in our house, despite considerable efforts to persuade her otherwise!

I mean, sure – I understood when we first got young Cleo back in May that there would be a certain breaking in period, during which we could expect to clean up a lot of puddles and keep a watchful eye for poorly-placed piles of puppy poo … and I like to think that in the grand scheme of things I was a pretty good sport about it when I “discovered” one of said piles with the bottom of my bare foot at three in the morning one night, too!  But all things considered … that was six months ago!!! The statute of limitations regarding acceptable places for a puppy to relieve herself in my house has long since expired…

The weird thing is, I know that she technically knows how to go to the bathroom outside because she does it all the time! And yet still every so often, usually when I least expect it like if we’re just sitting down to watch a movie, or I’m brushing my teeth, or if I thought I just saw her go outside to do it … that’s precisely the time when out of the blue, squatting position is promptly assumed and there’s just no shouting, “No no no no no!” fast enough to prevent her from taking care of business right there behind the bookshelf in the living room … or smack dab in the middle of our bed … or even, believe it or not, merely a few feet from the toilet in the bathroom!

And before you go giggling, “Oh, well at least she’s in the right room!” like my wife did, consider that bathroom tile gets slippery when wet and then picture a dog subsequently slipping and sliding through her own pee, tracking it throughout the entire house upon being informed by a very disappointed yours truly that, in fact, the bathroom was also not an acceptable place for her to pee…

This has turned into a real classy column, hasn’t it?

The point is that I’m just about at my wits end here, people!  We’re going through more paper towels for waste clean-up purposes alone than I’ve probably ever used in my entire life … let me tell you, the Brawny man would be going back to the drawing board if he had to feature some of my scenarios in those commercials of his.  It’s even gotten to the point where we’ve considered making structural changes to the house by adding a doggie door, in desperate hopes that she’ll take the hint from her newfound freedom and finally venture forth into the non-carpeted outdoors to go if afforded such a luxury!  As much as I might be afraid that an alligator will sneak through the door and eat us all in the middle of the night, anything is better than mopping up puppy pee at this point.

So at the risk of being accused of insider trading or something, if you’re looking to make a sound investment that seems to have virtually no possible chance of failure, now would be a fantastic time to buy stock in paper towels while my puppy’s bladder is still hot!

On the other hand, if by some miracle of a chance you’ve got a foolproof method of actually getting her to stop, please feel free to drop me a line and I’ll gladly just cut you a check directly…