Much like at Alice’s Restaurant, the cult classic folk ballad by Arlo Guthrie that seems to resurface on the radio every Thanksgiving on the ride over to Grandma’s house, this year it seems that “You can get anything you want” in America as well, assuming that what you wanted was a resurgence of that good, old-fashioned racism, sexism, and bigotry that promises to Make America Great Again after we somehow managed to … elect Donald Trump as our next president???
Seriously – the guy from The Apprentice. “You’re fired?”
I guess it was a little catchier back when he was just sitting on a gold-encrusted throne in the boardroom of Trump Tower instead of the Oval Office where he’s likely to face challenges a little bigger than trying to make Bret Michaels and Omarosa get along, but hey, I’m sure everything will work out just fine, right?!
Needless to say, with the country literally divided in half for pretty much the most significant election of our lifetime, that Thanksgiving dinner this year where we gather the family red and blue alike around the table in celebration of gratitude or some nonsense is likely to be just a wee bit intense in homes where the entire lot of them weren’t all collectively aboard the Trump Train…
…with the railroad industry being one of the few that Donald Trump hasn’t declared bankruptcy in yet…
This humble list of suggestions I present to you in an attempt to make peace at dinner tables across America – at least until the family unbuckles their pants and falls asleep from overindulgence on turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie like our Founding Fathers intended.
- Respect the political differences you have with your relatives by never looking them directly in the eye and muttering expletives under your breath when they’re just out of earshot.
- Subtly work in the hashtag #TurkeyLivesMatter when you’re saying the family blessing.
- Prepare a list of pre-approved discussion topics for the dinner table that everyone can enjoy, including subjects like “Wasn’t the turkey more moist last year?” and “Please tell me you bought more than one box of wine…”
- Try not to bring up the fact that if the Indians had only built a 50-foot wall of solid concrete along the eastern seaboard, maybe none of this would’ve ever happened.
- Refrain from calling your Aunt Meredith a xenophobic fascist – at least until after she passes the sweet potato casserole.
- If you need to take a moment during your delicious Thanksgiving meal, feel free to weep silently into the cranberry sauce … nobody’s going to eat that stuff anyways.
- Ixnay on the opular vote-pay.
- Don’t throw food at your siblings for supporting Trump; throw food at them for chasing you around the backyard with the garden hose when you were seven.
- Celebrate the commonalities associated with Thanksgiving that we can all appreciate – things like overeating and pumpkin pie and sitting on our butts while somebody else does the dishes!
- And if nothing else, never underestimate the power of stuffing your ears full of mashed potatoes and chanting, “La la la – maybe the electors will still pick Hillary anyways…” over and over again until it’s time to go Black Friday shopping.