It’s hard to believe that it’s been 10 whole years since I tricked a woman into marrying, err – I mean, found the soulmate who I want to spend the rest of my life with!
This marriage has certainly had its share of ups and downs, inversions, loop-de-loops, and $14.99 photo opportunities, but all in all being married has been pretty good to me. Of course, it hasn’t always been easy, which is why it only seemed fitting that I take some time this week in celebration of the big number 10 to share a few of this humor columnist’s best tips for staying married for the long haul.
Plus, I’m in a hurry to get out the door for my anniversary vacation and don’t have the time to write a full-length humor column this week, so just like in marriage, occasionally you just need to phone it in with a clever bulleted list to bide your time until next week…
- Know your spouse’s favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and maintain a list of the stores most likely to have it within a 5-mile radius of your house.
- Do things every once in a while just to make your partner smile. Try picking up the check once in a while, or stop using their tweezers to pluck your nose hairs – it really is the little things that make all the difference!
- Don’t go to sleep mad. Force yourselves to stay awake for days on end until you’re reduced to mumbling zombies who are ready to work that stuff out or consume each other’s rotting corpses trying.
- Be adventurous. Try eating out at the Applebee’s on the other side of the freeway – variety is the spice of life!
- Sex is an important part of any marriage. If you haven’t had the pleasure yet, google it – you might be surprised by what you find!
- Never use her toothbrush just because you can’t find your own – even intimacy between soulmates has its limits.
- Consider spending some time apart in a foreign country – you know, so you can really miss ’em while you’re looking at all sorts of breathtaking castles and majestic, rolling hillsides and whatnot.
- Listen when the other person is talking. No, seriously – put down the Angry Birds, stop humming the theme song to Fraggle Rock quietly to yourself (she can still hear you), and nod convincingly to the words coming out of her mouth.
- Memorize the words to all of their favorite songs so that you can sing them back to your spouse at a moment’s notice whether you’re asked to or not.
- Let her have the last slice of pizza. You can always order more after she falls asleep if you’re still hungry.
Remember folks – with great marriage comes great responsibility, and it’s perfectly normal to wear a cape to bed as long as your spouse is cool with it, so take each of these words to heart, live your marriages to their funniest, and I’ll be back in another 10 – 15 years so that we can compare notes again!