Ok, so maybe not me personally – from what’s been explained to me, my wife will be the one technically doing most of the heavy lifting when it comes time to actually push this thing out of the oven, so to speak! But it’s still pretty wild to think that after some thirty-three years of wandering around this wonder-filled world, doing my best to spread hilarity and more or less stay out of trouble, I’m finally at the point in my life where I’m finding myself saying those five terrifying words that a guy never expects to actually come out of his own mouth…
“I can’t find the nachos.”
No, wait – that’s not right.
“I’m gonna be a Daddy!” – those are the ones, and at this point I think it’s safe for me to report that I am nowhere near ready for what’s about to happen next. Right now we’re collectively about 13 weeks into this whole production, meaning that we’re officially done with the first trimester. For those of you playing along at home, that means from a mester-perspective we still have two more left to go, but to be completely honest with you, I’m not even sure if I’ll be “ready” next spring when I’m welcoming this slimy, little dude out of its temporary living quarters and into the considerably more spacious real world that I’ve grown somewhat accustomed to over the last couple of decades!
Maybe by the time that they’re in middle school – 7th or 8th grade, tops – I might have come to terms with the notion of being a parent, but until then … whew!!!
So one quick question – does this officially make me “old” now??? In consideration of some personal facts that I actually had to look up just now because I admittedly didn’t know them off the top of my head, I’m currently my parents age … if not even a bit older than they were way back in the day when they were originally bringing the third funniest guy on the Internet once it eventually gets invented into this world! 33 years ago on the 25th day of August, my very own birthday was immortalized when the stork delivered me on that fateful day without dropping me on my head even once or anything … and now in a mere six months, three days, seventeen hours and thirty-four minutes – give or take – I’m going to be creating a very special birthday for somebody brand new all on my own…
“…because I’m having a baby!”
“…with my wife, who’s actually carrying said baby somewhere between her liver and her left kneecap right now…”
I’m gonna be honest with you – I’ve had plenty of time to think about it already, and it’s kind of crazy just to try and quantify the amount of crazy that this whole situation really is. I mean, I like to think that I’ve managed to bring some pretty great things into this world already – ideas, feelings, some pretty incredible chocolate chip cookies, if I can be so bold as to toot my own horn at least with regards to baked goods. And yet all of that still pales in comparison to the living, breathing human being that I’ll be introducing here shortly, who will be coming soon to hear all of my horrible Dad jokes that are pretty much inevitable and eat all of my chocolate chip cookies, which I’m going to have to start making larger batches of.
And that’s something that I will gladly do.
I have a feeling that the next six months are going to fly by super fast here in my universe, despite whatever hair-brained “meals” my wife sends me to procure from the grocery store or whatever swear words I find myself uttering at two in the morning as I find myself buried amidst a sea of IKEA baby furniture as I fight desperately to assemble the All-in-Wonder Super Mega Crib 9000 with the simple goal of it not collapsing into a pile of rubble the first moment our new baby sets eyes on it. There’s so much to do around here between now and then – buying more toys than any child really knows what to do with and childproofing pretty much everything and even coming up with a name for this mystery child to be?!
I’m going to be responsible for 50% … well, ok – probably closer to 27% responsible … for choosing the name that this new human being will be referred to by for the rest of its life before we’ve even had a chance to meet and hang out and find out what kinds of stuff the little guy or girl is even into??? No pressure there!
“I’m gonna be a Daddy!!!”
More jokes to come soon… 🙂