If there’s one thing I’ve noticed in all of my recent travels, it’s that I definitely need to seriously think about picking up one of those car air-fresheners. Well that, and the fact that there are just too many cars out there on the roads these days! Now I haven’t been counting, so I can’t exactly give you any specific numbers or anything, but after sitting in six lanes of traffics for hours upon hours, it’s occurred to me that the situation has moved far beyond just having too many idiots on the road – now there are just way too many people in general out there and at the rate we’re going, it might soon be quicker to just walk from one place to another and that’s certainly not a lifestyle change that I’m ready to accept yet!

All in the same, there are really only a few alternatives at this point and sadly enough, not a single one of them seems appealing enough to trade away the fierce and menacing machismo one emits when cranking rap metal out of their 1994 Honda Civic while sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on the freeway for an hour or so each morning. There’s always the company’s suggestion of carpooling, but that always seems to come from those folks who can close their office door to the rest of the department when things start getting stupid! If they had to sit and endure eight straight hours of listening to the order entry girls squealing on about each others’ love lives, interrupted periodically by random games of garbage can basketball and Dave from three cubicles down asking if you want to go get a cup of coffee, chances are they too would rethink the whole concept of spending any more time than one has to with these people!

Public transportation is another great alternative…that is if you enjoy being groped by dirty strangers and the occasional clean-shaven priest every morning. I’m sure it’s equally disturbing for women, too, but any situation that involves cramming dozens of people into a space roughly the size of a phone booth, most of whom haven’t showered in years and would like nothing better than for me to look the other way so they can borrow my wallet and/or my left shoe, all the while trying to ignore the fact that the entire bus smells like urine, and not in that refreshing way – any situation that allows and encourages this type of thing should be banned by the FDA or the FCC or any other combination of letters that the government has taken control over…

And then there’s flying, with all of those dirty birds and insects up there, swerving in and out of their lanes like suicide bombers on their final descent. Oh wait – scratch that, because apparently we haven’t learned how to fly on our own just yet, but I’ll tell you right now that not long after that time does come, it’s going to be just as bad up there as it is down here on the ground – you just wait and see! We’ll have kids flying before they’re old enough to earn their licenses, drunks who barely make it clear from the bar before crashing into the billboard at the corner, and worst of all, people who think it’s alright to talk on their cell phones and fly at the same time…

What were we talking about again?

Oh, that’s right! Now normally in a situation like this, I’d be more than happy to list off half a dozen different wacky solutions that although might not actually help with the problem, would nonetheless be goofy enough to make everyone forget about the actual task at hand for a while, but I spent most of this week’s “brainstorming time” circling the parking lot of the nearby Wal-Mart. Never fear, though, for only an hour and a half into the search, I was able to procure a compact spot in Lot P – a mere two miles from the entrance to the store itself, so I ended up scoring myself a new shower poof and two and a half weeks worth of exercise at the same time – what a deal!

In the end, of course, there’s truly only one way to clear up this road congestion and that and that’s by making everyone walk to and fro, much as our ancestors did long before the freeway and the middle finger were introduced into society. Don’t get me wrong, though – I’ll keep driving as I normally do, but even if just half of you fall for this thing and stay off the roads for a few days, I’ll be that much closer to getting both in and out of Wal-Mart on the same given day! Lot E, here I come…