In this year filled with war and international discrepancies, I’ve found that sometimes it’s best to keep certain related opinions to myself – there’s always something else I can make fun of, right? Well, I thought so, but then an issue was brought to my attention that I just couldn’t let go unnoticed, so I apologize in advance if anyone takes this too seriously

There has been a lot of questioning, especially lately, about the actual effectiveness of George W. Bush as our President, and even with the anti-war groups aside, many feel that he hasn’t been doing a very good job. I’m really quite partial to the whole position myself, as I think I’m one of the few people who actually still recognize our own democracy – although Presidency is a fairly prestigious job, I’m convinced that there are enough underlings running about in Washington, D.C. already that we could very well elect Bozo the Clown into office and they would still manage keep the country from being covered in banana cream pies. Granted, some may say that Bozo has already been elected, but we’ll get to that point in just a second!

Anyways, I was discussing the current state of the nation a few days ago with a colleague and when I thought that the ramblings had finally seen the worst, she threw out her trump card…which also happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves. She told me that, “President Bush must have been elected for a reason – that’s why God put him there…” and after the laughter died down on my behalf, it really got me thinking about things! It always urks me when these religious zealots retort with the Will of God as an explanation for their own agendas, as if free will and ignorance don’t have a place in our world. Between you and me, though I honestly don’t think that God really even gives a rip about who’s running our own piddly, little country during any given period – don’t you think that a guy of that caliber would have other things a bit more important, like managing volcanic eruptions and writing the next season of Friends?!

Besides, under that very logic, you could just as easily say that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden and even Hitler have or had their places in God’s plan, but in keeping with the whole “God is goodtheme that he’s got going, I think it’s safe to say that this leaves that theory dead in the water! Nope, even if God did happen to have an interest in our political affairs, I’m sure that after the whole Clinton / Lewinski-deal last term, even he would’ve finally said, “Enough’s enough – if you’re not even going to take this seriously anymore, then why should I?!” Come to think of it, he does have a point – just what is happening to the state of our government lately?

I mean seriously, out of some 290 million people, these are the ones we’re choosing to lead us into tomorrow?! Oi! Now I won’t pick on Bush simply because of the whole pretzel-thing because that could probably happen to just about anybody…you’ve forgotten to chew every now and then, haven’t you? What I won’t forget about, however, is the fact that back during the election process itself, he couldn’t even remember the names of the other world leaders – and this was even before the whole Florida ballot scare! I’ve never run for president before, but wouldn’t you just assume that there are a few things that you should really try to keep in mind? Isn’t there a study guide or something?

Come to think of it, who was the last truly noble president we’ve had? Over the last twenty or thirty years, we’ve seen quite the colorful bunch shacked up in the White House, including a wide range of sexual deviants, embezzling entrepreneurs, and even one old chap who somehow managed to throw up on the leader of Japan…but I won’t name names here! It’s almost as if these guys are getting cast into the position rather than elected, which makes me wonder if somehow the Jewish writing conspiracy finally has found a way to bridge over from the entertainment industry into politics! At this rate, we may very well see a woman in the White House sooner than you think…possibly even on the other side of the desk, if you know what I mean…

Politics has never been a favorite topic of mine, frankly, due to the horrendous amount of bullshit that pours out of the system on any given day, which has lead me to the conclusion that maybe the presidency isn’t really as important as we’ve built it up to be and that the millions of dollars that go into the various campaigns each year could be much better spent buying me new things…or going to charity, I suppose! Seriously, though – want to clean up that budget of ours in a hurry? My plan is really quite simple – collect all of the money from various organizers and sponsors and gigantic corporations and instead of blowing it all on banners, political protests, and more fundraisers, do something a little more worthwhile with it. Whether it goes to cancer research, the homeless, or even just paying off our national debt – I don’t care, as long as it isn’t wasted on schmoozing the rich and well-influenced…they’re rich – they can afford it!

Now after many long months of enduring this process and millions upon millions of dollars have been raised, we go ahead and put a monkey in the White House…and not like we’ve been doing in the past – an actual lives-in-the-jungle, eats-bananas-all-day monkey. While I can’t guarantee that he won’t be occasionally found clinging to a random intern’s leg in a desperate plea for attention, or that he won’t be able to resist scratching himself during one of those long and boring public addresses, that hasn’t really been deemed a problem in the past, anyways! We’ll save a fortune on legal fees and messy, scandalous cover-ups alone, and if we can find a place that will sell us bananas in bulk, then we’re even closer to paying off our bills and getting this country back on the right track! The only real problem I can foresee is that monkeys have a tendency to do that thing where they fling their own poop every once in a while, but I think people will figure that one out on their own fairly quickly…

Or we could go with your plan and not change a thing…that seems to working real well, doesn’t it?!