A lot of people tend to think that I have a pretty easy job, just sitting around making fun of things all day and getting paid to do it, but believe it or not, this writer is just at the tip of the iceberg! The scary truth is that there are, in fact, several groups of people out there who actually do even less and make even more money (quite a bit more, now that I think about it…), so why point fingers at me when we can instead join forces and collectively mock those people?! Besides, you could probably do their jobs just as good, if not better than they do, anyways…chances are you’ve already even thought about it…

When I really got down to brainstorming for this column, you know – when I actually put down the martini and started writing stuff on paper, it occurred to me that not only are these jobs so easy that a chimp could perform them after an all-night banana daiquiri binge, there’s probably a pretty good chance that the inebriated monkey could do just as good, if not a better job, than most of these guys and gals do every single day. Imagine an occupation that didn’t really care about your skills and experience (or lack thereof), or even your complete deficiency of any personality whatsoever, as long as you were willing to show up regularly and go through the motions! Baby, I think I’ve chosen the wrong career…

The Weatherman
First of all, let’s face the cold facts – most weathermen are nothing more than pretty faces anymore, and yet quite a few of them that I’ve seen don’t even have that going for them! Gigantic satellite dishes and computers gather literally gobs of weather data every second of the day, which is then analyzed by, follow me now, analysts, who then convert the gobs into words that the weatherman can read on TV to try and get chicks. You’d think that with all of the money that’s tied up in that technical stuff that at least a good prediction might pop out every now and then, but instead we’re told that “There’s a chance of rain tomorrow, but then again it could be sunny all day long…actually, my left wrist has been swelling up real bad, so that could mean that hail’s coming…or that I just forgot to take my blue pills again…but I’ll have a look at your extended forecast right after we waste half a minute of your life showing you this cute little picture of a duck while the latest Kenny G album plays in the background…”

Basically, this job’s all about guessing anyways, so why not at least have some fun with it?! “Today’s forecast shows a thirty percent chance of rain, with the remaining seventy percent riding on swarm after swarm of deadly locusts – might want to bring an umbrella today, folks!” or “The weather this evening isn’t really going to matter, that is if you’re the man I caught my wife with last night. George, buddy – I’ll see you right after this word from our sponsors…” or even “The skies today around beautiful lake —, oh my god – there’s a bear in the studio!!! He looks hungry – run, Krystal, run!” I would definitely tune in nightly for that!

Radio DJs
Playing the hits and nothing but the hits – sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? It should be, but some people just aren’t cut out for this job…yet they’re usually the ones who end up getting them! Personally, I can hold a conversation just fine, sometimes even with other people, but I still have the understanding that I could never carry myself for an entire four-hour shift on the radio – sure, I can make people laugh in short bursts, but certainly not for any length of time big enough to keep a listener’s attention if I’m not there in the same room as them.

I’ve come to accept this, so why can’t these people who are on right now just take a step back and accept it, too?! We’ve got one particular DJ in the area, and I’m sure that you’ve got somebody just like him in your hometown – sure, he means well and all, but there’s just way too much fake enthusiasm in that voice for a meager lunchtime broadcast.

“…and that just about wraps up our noontime requests – I hope you’ve enjoyed this time we’ve spent together just as much as I have. It’s time to head back to the office now, to collate a few files, maybe stare at some print-outs for an hour or two, stare dreamily out the window, fantasizing about tomorrow’s lunch hour underneath that same Willow Tree – maybe you’ll have a nice ham and cheese sandwich, with some fresh fruit on the side and a Diet Pepsi, and of course, your favorite contemporary radio station…”

It’s ok that you suck, just as long as you don’t interrupt my jams eighty times an hour to remind me!

State Senators
To Lead: lie, cheat, steal, or otherwise run a large body of government.

I see no need to elaborate any further on this one…

Outfielder for Any Team Playing Against the Detroit Tigers
I suppose this one doesn’t necessarily have to fall under the suck category, but it sure rises to the top as far as simplicity is concerned! Don’t get me wrong – I used to get dragged to a lot of their games when I was a kid, but they never ceased to amaze me about how absolutely terrible they actually played. The Tigers last won the World Series in 1984 and I don’t think they’ve seen the finals since, or even a winning streak of more than two consecutive games, for that matter…

Could I personally do any better? No, probably not, but I don’t walk around calling myself a professional baseball player either, now do I?! I also happen to suck at basket weaving, water polo, and speaking German, thus I’ve never been to Europe and am in no hurry to do so. Sometimes you just have to face the facts that some people were made to play the game and some people were made to serve hotdogs and beer to those who watch the game – the Tigers just all happened to have lousy guidance counselors.

Honorable Mention: Actors & Actresses, Producers, Key Grips and Anyone Else Involved in the Hollywood Magic
Even though I’d hate to burn down any bridges here, I don’t exactly have the silver-screen bigwigs knocking down my door with three-picture deals in their clutches anyways! So in risk of forfeiting any future air time that may flutter my way, I feel compelled to let you in on one tiny, little secret: they’re all a bunch of spoiled brats. That’s right – anybody who gets paid more money per episode than most of us make in ten years is a spoiled brat, but you’d think that the least they could do would be to actually entertain us!

But no, that just wouldn’t be right, so instead we get smothered with Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire (Who’s Actually a Baker from Upstate New York)?, Individual Spin-Offs from the Cast of Seinfeld, and even The Reba McIntyre Show – when will the insanity end?! I know that not every show can be Home Improvement or Dawson’s Creek, but maybe if these people actually watched an episode or two of these shows before subjecting the rest of us to eighteen episodes of the same post-teenage melodrama…hell, I could probably write a better sitcom than what’s on right now all by myself! Hmmm

I’m sure that plenty of other jobs fit into this category, possibly even enough to manage a sequel column so I can therefore certainly look forward to all of your e-mails about that…although maybe not as much as I do from all of the weathermen, DJs, and government officials who will no doubt be more than happy to let me know just exactly where I can shove my opinions of them! (…no worries about the Tigers, though, as I can’t see them figuring out this whole computer-thing for a few years, at least…) Of course, when all is said and done, I could probably never really hack it as a politician or a television weatherman anyways, but I’d be willing to bet that one of my readers could and that’s still good enough for me!