I’ve tried my very best to give them the benefit of the doubt, but there’s only so far that I’m willing to go! I was a big hard rock fan back in the day and have still been known to crank it up when a classic Ozzy or Metallica tune comes on the radio, but when did we make the crossover from heavy metal to incessant, distorted noise?! All of these songs have lyrics – I know this because I’m often presented with many, many pages of them after posting a column about them – and for the most part, these lyrics actually have quite a bit of thought behind them, so where does the “AAARRRRGHHHHH?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!” come from? These fellas were off to a good start – throw in a decent bass line, some rhythm guitar, a lead with an ego for soloing and you might actually have something that I’d listen to…but then the PA gets turned up to 11, the drummer slams a pint of Jack Daniels and all hell breaks loose…

Seriously, it’s enough to make me glad that most radio stations are still controlled by corporate America! Sure, we get stuck listening to pre-packaged pop stars and rock musicians who had the connections to get themselves noticed by someone in the industry, but we can understand what they’re actually saying and there’s a lot to say for that these days! The big guns on the radio tend to get the most ridicule, whether it be from concerned parents, envious teens who’ll never have such luscious bosoms the size of ripe cantaloupes, or jealous, third-rate rock musicians who’ll never have the guiding force of the corporate hand to put their single in the rotation every hour in every major market across the country and beyond. These guys may catch the most flack about the silliest of things, but I have to say that sucking is a worse attribute than even bad hair in the music industry, so perhaps it’s a good thing that these bands remain out of the spotlight for the time being!

The last exposure to this “music” that I was fortunate enough to endure (and hopefully the last one ever, if I’m lucky enough!) was actually a trip I made as a kind gesture to my younger sister. She’s old enough to get into the club itself for special events such as this, but not old enough, according to the State of Michigan, to drive herself and some friends down to the big city to get to the club – enter the older brother! We’ve done this before and it honestly didn’t seem all that bad – I couldn’t stand the music as usual, but I was able to tune the majority of it out enough so that I could focus on other aspects of the evening – mainly the beer and all of the older “chauffeurs” that had gotten dragged along to the show! Granted, the rest of them were 40+ Moms and Dads, most of which had brought books or other reading materials along with them, but there was a connection there nonetheless – none of us could stand the filth that was pouring out of the speakers in front of us…

So this time I decided to take cue from the others and bring along something to entertain myself throughout the four-hour brain mush session. The only book I could find that has yet to be read on my shelf was the last Harry Potter installment and I had no desire to go rent the trailer that would’ve been necessary to haul the beast around until I was able to finish it, so I opted instead to simply bring along my laptop – what a perfect opportunity to get a little work done, right?! What the hell was I thinking?! The second that first band started playing, my head began pounding like an African ceremonial drum, the beer in my bottle rippling much like the water glasses in Jurassic Park – I knew I was in for one hell of a loud night, and I wasn’t even in the same room!

If that wasn’t bad enough, things remained a bit low-key where I had secluded myself for about another hour or so, after which the entire club itself began to fill up with other patrons who had plans to hang there for a good chunk of the evening…so now in addition to the thundering racket coming from the performance itself, I also was graced with the presence of many college-aged pain-in-the-asses, most of whom were intent on being as loud and disruptive as humanly possible, pushing each other over on the floor, dueling with the pool cues, and generally reminding me why 21 may not nearly be an old enough age to allow these people to drink after all! Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve found that it’s a bit difficult to concentrate on anything when you’ve got pool balls whizzing by your head…

Of course, in the end I wasn’t there for myself and it wasn’t the library by any means, so I made the best of the situation and maintained my sanity by picturing that huge bottle of aspirin waiting for me in the cupboard upon my return home! I think my sister enjoyed the show – I’ll know for sure here in a couple of days when my hearing returns to normal – but the initial nodding I got on the way out should probably be a good indication. And even more so, I also managed to get this week’s column out of the way and even if it’s not necessarily as humorous as you might expect, consider it “An intimate look into the after-hours life of a writer and humorist…” and we’ll just say it’s a bonus!

Be sure to check back next week, where I’ll promise you a hilarious anecdote chocked full of modern day experiences and events…and completely bitch-and-moan-about-those-noisy-teenagers-free if you’re lucky! All in the same, if that football lands in my yard one more time, I’m keepin’ it…