Next to Christmas, it’s one of my favorite times of year – out with the old and in with the new! Just forget about your girlfriend leaving you for another woman or your boss firing you so she doesn’t feel as guilty about dating your ex-girlfriend, for there’s a new year ahead and who could think of a better time to get your life in order once in for all?! Who indeed, and so we all gather around with our champagne glasses in hand, beckoning in the new year with a kiss from the pretty girl just lucky enough to be standing nearby and a list almost a mile long of things we’re going to do differently the following morning.

We’ve all got our own lists, some with only a few key points and others filling pages upon pages with goals that’ll no doubt be thrown to the wind by mid-January at the latest, and if you’ll let me cue to in to a little secret, I’ll tell you this – it certainly makes the job of us columnists pretty easy for a day or three! Ask just about any columnist, no matter what they’re actually supposed to be covering, and they’ll be able to tell you months upon months in advance that their closest deadline that falls around New Years will no doubt cover his or her own resolutions – it’s pretty much a gimme, really. Mind you, I’ve been doing this for a year or three already, so I thought it might be a little more fun this time around to try something different…

When it all comes down to it, it’s honestly not that difficult to write up a few goals for yourself, now is it?Lose some weight, save some money, stop kicking the neighbor’s cat as you leave to go to work each morning – the list pretty much writes itself. Keeping this in mind, rather than bore you all with my own list of New Years resolutions (…of which the highlights I actually just already gave you anyways…), I think that it would be much more enjoyable to present to you some very special resolutions that I’ve devised for other people instead! Honestly, it’s always more fun to focus on the problems of others rather than even attempt to address your own anyways, and besides, why beat yourself up over such silly nonsense when you can just as easily berate the guy next to you?! Of course, you may not want to mimic my intentions here exactly if your subject just happens to be that huge guy sitting next to you at the bar who most likely eats entire chickens for breakfast and could probably bench press your car, but as I’m really not too concerned about any of these folks ever reading my column, at least I’m in the clear!

 To Madonna…
Stop thinking that your immense stardom can actually have a positive effect on the careers of performers generations behind you. By all means, feel free to keep making out with them in public, just don’t expect any major career advancements to come from it!

To President Bush…
Just keep your eyes on the horizon. We all know how difficult this presidentiary bit has been for you and that you pretty much have felt like a deer in the headlights for the past three years, but it won’t be long now and all of that will be far behind you – nap time will be here soon enough.

 To Ashton Kutcher…
Please stop trying…period. Honestly, I always thought that you were hilarious on That 70’s Show, and I can understand that now you’re moving on and are trying to convince an audience that you can be a serious actor, too.Let me tell you this – running somebody’s car into a brick wall or getting them investigated by the FBI on MTV is no way to get there!

To Peter Jackson…
Don’t ruin a good thing. Even though the opportunity probably won’t even present itself until another year or two down the road, do all of us Tolkien fans a favor and omit any plans to bring The Hobbit to the silver screen as well. Sure, it sounds like a good idea now, but don’t let that giant pile of money fool you – the series was amazing…can we just leave it at that?

To Michael Jackson…
Limit your poker nights to people over the age of thirty-five. I’ve still got faith in you, but even you’ve got to admit that the case is getting tougher and tougher to argue, so why not just make this year a little easier on yourself and keep them above the legal limit, eh? …poker nights – everything’s an innuendo these days with you, man…

 To Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger…
By all means, if you have any questions…anything at all, really, don’t hesitate to ask for help! Being the governor is a tough job and sometimes, contrary to popular belief, simply blowing up everything within a three-mile radius just doesn’t solve all of your problems. Just remember that you’ve got an experienced staff at your aid and it never hurts to get a second opinion! Oh yeah, and whatever you do, please don’t touch the red button…

To Every Single Person in This Town That Actually Still Believes That the Buccaneers Will Bring Home the Championship Again This Year…
Find a new team to support…someone who actually stands a snowball’s chance in hell. Seriously, though, I know how excited we all were when our hometown team won the Super Bowl and brought tons of publicity to the Tampa Bay area, but you have to understand one thing – it was all a fluke. It’s never going to happen again, so take my advice and enlighten yourself to the ins and outs of Professional Women’s Bowling or something…you’ll thank me later.

And Finally, To Saddam Hussein…
It’s time to take one for the team and just turn yourself in. We all understand the whole “I hate America”­-thing that you’ve got going, but we’ve just got better things that we could be doing with our time. And besides, it won’t be long before another season of Survivor is starting up here shortly, and I’ll be damned if my TV show is going to get interrupted again because another one of your stunt doubles got trampled by a camel or something! Do us all a favor and just cut the act, for Hollywood’s sake…