It’s like the Beach Boys always said, “Girls are always ready for a summer of love…” while coincidentally the guys are pretty much ready whenever the girls are up for a fling, so as we transcend in the warm summer months it kinda works out for everybody! Volleyball by day, campfires and quiet walks on the beach by nightfall – it’s a wonder that anyone around here manages to make it to work at all during this time of year…

Of course, here in Florida stating that the beaches will most likely be packed would be just about as bad as stating that Ralph Nader actually has a chance at winning the Presidential Election this fall, so I thought it might be useful if I were to use this week’s time to press forth some of my own tips for making the most of your time at the beach or otherwise out under the sun in search for that perfect mate with the rippling biceps and the neatly-combed back hair – don’t worry, guys – she’s out there somewhere!

  • First of all, don’t forget the essentials for a fun day at the beach – suntan lotion, cool-looking shades, an oversized beach towel covered with cartoon characters that will be deemed cute by members of the opposite sex, and six months prior of time spent at the gym and in the tanning salon so as to look like you’ve actually been living at this same beach long before anyone else got there.
  • If the sky suddenly turns dark and it starts to pour, don’t consider your day ruined just yet. Jump in the water and wait about fifteen minutes – it’ll be sunny again in no time…
  • …unless, of course, you happen to see funnel clouds or massive amounts of lightning on the horizon. In that case, run for your lives! Sea mammals washing up on shore at random can also be a sign that your afternoon may very well be cut a bit short…
  • Building a sand castle at the beach can be a great way to pass the time while your girl is catching some Zzz’s…however being a huge bully, on the other hand, and dedicating your downtime to knocking down the three-story imperial palace (with working moat and irrigation system) that I spent all morning working on, is not cool.
  • Nothing will impress your date more than a moonlit walk along the beach, hand-in-hand. At least nothing you can afford…
  • Be sure to bring the car to a complete stop before retracting your convertible top! This lesson usually only takes one incident to learn – just trying to help you learn from my experiences!
  • If you plan on being outside for more than fifteen minutes, plan on wearing at least SPF 1000 sunscreen – the summer heat here in the tropics can easily take you from zero to lobster in a matter of hours. Better yet, don’t plan on being outside for more than fifteen minutes.
  • It’s a proven fact that chicks dig guys with fancy sports cars, however significantly less so if you only happen to be selling them at low, low prices…
  • Just for the record, daffodil is – and always will be – a funny word.
  • The likeliness of being eaten by a shark at the beach is directly proportional to the amount of horrendously-unnecessary flailing you do at the first sign of danger – just something to keep in mind…
  • You’re never too old and wrinkly to enjoy a day at the beach…and although they won’t admit it to your face, you’d be surprised just how much the senior citizen’s discount and removable teeth can turn a woman on!
  • Sure, any lady would love an afternoon spent at the art museum or an evening of dancing underneath the stars, but it’s just that they’ve all been done so many times before! On the other hand, consider a trip to the Rutabaga Farm or the Ear Wax Emporium, or you might even try taking her out for a night of gator thumping – now that’s a date she’ll never forget!!!
  • And ladies, don’t think that I’ve forgotten you – worried about sealing the deal with your latest boy today? Just follow my simple, one-step plan for guaranteed success – SHOW UP! Works every time…
  • But if you remember only one thing from this column as you head out into a summer of love, let it be this –as the sun goes down in August and it starts to cool off once again, thus reducing the amount of time that you’ll want to spend at the beach, eventually you’re going to have to go back to work / school / “the home,” so make the best of these days of summer!
    • Also, don’t forget to get her number, you idiot…