Why do we get ourselves into debt???

No, seriously – I want to know because when I read a headline stating that 65% of Americans have at least $5,800 of revolving credit card debt to their names*, it makes me question the sanity of 65% of Americans…and it certainly doesn’t help that the same article reports that 52% are overweight* and another 112% are still convinced that Dr. Phil and a few weeks of Weight Watchers are the answers to their prayers*, either…but that’s an entirely different column altogether (refer to Are You Happy Now? Are You?! for my opinions about that issue…). Nope, today we’re going to talk about money, my general lack of any, and if we have any free time left at the end, I might show you some pictures of my new cat, too…

So if you’re anything like me, and statistics show that a whopping 247% of you are*, you like buying stuff, which is pretty understandable because, well, stuff is great! It entertains, it amuses, it even makes Julian Fries…and that’s not even the deluxe model! Stuff is always there when you need it, you can always just go out and buy some more if you happen to run out, and most importantly, it never, ever has a “headache.” Whoever said that we shouldn’t get attached to material goods must not have had a lot of stuff himself, that’s for sure!

We all have our own little treasures that we collect, much to the dismay of our friends and significant others who still seem to be convinced that love is more important than material possessions – as if! Myself, I’m a big movie buff and often boast of a DVD collection that rivals many video stores these days. I also hoard Disney memorabilia like it’s going out of style and it goes without saying that a portion of that previously mentioned DVD catalog no doubt played a direct hand in putting Eisner’s kids through college! Among my other collectible fetishes range everything from classic video games to books of every shape, size, color and genre, snow globes, old-fashioned pub glasses, and just about anything that you could slap a fish on…or at least a picture of a fish, that is…

…and it’s because of my love for all of this stuff that I, along with 65% of the folks around this country *, find ourselves buried under literally mountains of credit card debt! It’s like comedian Tim Cavanagh once said, “Imagine only spending just as much as you got paid!” What’s the fun of having it if you can’t have it right now, really?! Well, thanks to the powers of the charge card and low introductory rates, you can have it now, along with a limited edition, gold-embossed collector’s case to store it in – does it get any classier than this? This signed certificate of authenticity says an emphatic NO!!!

Now this far into the column, you’re probably beginning to wonder exactly when I’m going to lay it all out and explain to you all, in easy to follow instructions, step-by-step what you need to do to get yourselves out of debt…but who do you think you’re reading here, anyways?! I’m just as bad off as the rest of you, and possibly even worse as soon as my latest Sounds of the 80’s compilation 20-disc set arrives next week, so turning to me for financial advice is pretty much like turning to Donald Trump for directions to the nearest McDonalds. Besides, why would I want to steer my good friends away from buying everything that their cheesy, platinum-edition hearts desire – stuff is great!

So if you take just one thing from today’s column…and even that may very well be an oversight also, just remember this – it’s not necessarily he who dies with the most toys that wins, but actually he whom is designated as the sole benefactor in the will of he who dies with the most toys! Happy spending, and may the collection agencies always be one step behind you…

* Disclaimer: 87% of statistics are made up on the spot, but that’s an entirely different column…