And right now, I’m not sure if I’m more worried about the pain or the incessant lecturing that one can only expect when he hasn’t been to the dentist in over a decade!

Hey, I’ve been busy…

But honestly, I think you could probably survey just about any dude in his mid-twenties and you’d find that personal hygiene isn’t exactly at the top of our list of priorities, much less dental repair and maintenance! Maybe if they made some sort of Dental Avenger game for the X-Box, you might be able to catch our attention for a little while, but even then fighting plaque and gingivitis just ain’t the same as battling blood-thirsty zombies that are roaming the streets of New York City. Cavities may not be all that great, but they still can’t hold a candle to a gaping hole in one’s esophagus because some zombie didn’t eat a balanced breakfast!

I’ll admit it now in hopes that my soon-to-be-dentist will read this column and both get enraged about my lack of proper dental upkeep and then subsequently get over it completely, with nothing left to offer me but kind words and a soothing, gentle touch to rid my mouth of plaque and so forth – all prior to my appointment in July. Of course, in a manner of speaking, I probably should actually be spending these next four months brushing and flossing and searching eBay for a set of substitute teeth that I can sneak into my mouth at the last minute to replace these current neglected bad boys, but let’s face it – there isn’t enough Crest in the world to make up for my past discretions and as for the eBay excuse, well let’s just say that my PayPal account is currently frozen after my last “less than successful” transaction in the global marketplace…

Hey, nobody ever told me that it’s “illegal” and “unethical” to sell baby kittens on the Internet, just because a) you can’t sell live animals on eBay; and b) they were the neighbors’ kittens, not my own. As far as I was concerned, they were in fair condition and they had the opportunity to go to a good home far, far away from me – the rest was all silly details.

But regardless, when it all comes down to it, for me it’s simply a lack of time … and the fact that I’m a pretty lazy guy … okay, pretty much just the lazy part. I mean, seriously, what does it take – 3 minutes – total to brush your pearly whites, and that’s only if you do an exceptional, award-winning job of covering every square millimeter of surface area, exploring each and every crevice, making the little circles and so on and so forth?! I think it’s safe to say that the majority of us give our teeth more along the lines of the 90-second once over, covering as much surface area as we can before we’ve got toothpaste dripping down the front of our Cookie Monster pajamas while we try to watch the Super Friends from across the hall. If we’re lucky, we might repeat that same process again at the end of the day, but let’s face it – when all is said and done, many of us are just happy to find our own beds by the time we get to that stage of the game!

And don’t even get me started on those folks who actually brush their teeth after lunch, too! I’ll tell ya, nothing makes me laugh uncontrollably quite like sitting in a bathroom stall and hearing the brushing of teeth at the sinks on the other side of the door. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t imagine bringing my toothbrush to work any more than I would be able to wear those very same Cookie Monster pajamas to work … at least on any day other than Casual Friday, that is…

But then again, four months from now it’ll be those lunch-brushing fools, along with every other dental-minded individual who owns a vibrating toothbrush or actually knows how to floss without drawing blood because there’s no laughing from the depths of that hydraulic chair – only pain, scolding, and with any tidbit of luck whatsoever, possibly a shot of peppermint fluoride when all is said and done! Yes, it’ll be one of the most arduous hours of my life, but if there’s one solace that I can still enjoy, it’s the thought that once we’re done, I don’t have to return for another ten years…