Wow – this one’s certainly flying by fast, now isn’t it?
As they say, if there’s but one bad thing about summer, it’s simply that it just always seems to zip by way too fast! The seemingly endless nights of campfires and midnight cruises and moonlit walks on the beach will soon enough prove to be not nearly as endless as we had previously anticipated, parting ways as we transcend back into autumn and school for the kiddies and not nearly as many worthwhile excuses to cut out of work early for us big people. Even living here in Florida, one can never have too much summer, which is why despite being two months into this year’s edition of the most happenin’ time of the year, I just felt the need to step in and point a couple of things out…
You see, as I look on from my million dollar estate high in the hills, I’ve noticed a few things about the way you folks are spending your summers around here. I mean, most of you are doing just great – really a knock up job, one that would make any beach bunny proud – but then again, there are others among you who act as if this is the first summer that they’ve ever experienced in their humble, little lives. And I don’t mean to pry, but some of these things that I’m seeing are really … well, elementary, although even that’s somewhat of a bad term because I’d like to think that most 1st graders wouldn’t be caught dead making these kinds of horrible errors during their coveted three months of summer freedom!
But it’s ok – I’m here to help. That’s what I do here, which is why I’ve taken said observations and put together the following list of tidbits to keep in mind as you enjoy these last few weeks of summer. Some are simple, some are probably pretty obvious, but hey, if they don’t apply to you – congratulations! Give yourself a pat on the back, and for the sake of all things holy about summertime, just pray that the rest of those folks can learn from their mistakes with this friendly, little nudge…
- Guys, keep your shirts ON!
I know it’s hot out – we live in Florida, where a normal summer temperature is somewhere between sweltering and really, really, REALLY sweaty, but regardless, guys – no one … not even the ladies … want to see you running around town without a shirt on. It might seem more comfortable to you to cruise around sans t-shirt and then throw one on when you get to a destination that won’t welcome you in the buff, but unless you’re actually at the beach, do us all a favor and cover that hairy monstrosity…
- It’s not acceptable to cruise around town in your convertible with the top down, but the windows UP.
Seriously, you just look ridiculous, so stop it. I don’t care if it helps keep the AC in – you didn’t buy a convertible for its air conditioning benefits anyways! Nobody ever said it was easy looking cool, so either drop the windows and sweat it out with the rest of us, or make like you’re afraid that it might rain and don’t bother putting your top down at all. You know that it looks ridiculous – don’t be that guy…
- Whether you’re male OR female, don’t forget your shades.
Not only will they keep the sun out of your eyes and prevent you from squinting all day long, but it also allows either sex the opportunity to leer / drool / stare at whatever they find arousing or possibly just plain amusing without damaging the other person’s ego! Remember, for those hotties that clearly wouldn’t want anything to do with you, a pair of shades will allow you all the time in the world to admire their beauty from afar, whereas the gawker without shades will have blown his or her cover and find the object of their affection relocating before they can say, “I can buy ten pairs of Target sunglasses for the price of your Oakleys, and I may very well have to because boy are these things poorly made!”
- Supervise your kids down at the community pool!
Funny, when I was young, none of the parents in our neighborhood would even let us play in the sprinkler without adult supervision, and yet every time I go down to our local pool for a quick dip, it’s like recess and I can’t find another adult in sight! I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be allowed to play around and have a good time … all’s I’m saying is that if you’re not present to keep the little hell beasts moderately in line, I can’t be held responsible for what happens after I get hit by another stray cannonball…
- Summer isn’t really summer without at least one trip to Cold Stone…
While I was just introduced to the intoxicating multitude of flavors and toppings not too long ago myself, as far as I’m concerned, Christmas isn’t really Christmas and St. Patrick’s Day isn’t really St. Patrick’s Day without a trip to the best ice cream shoppe around, either, so what better time to splurge than during the hottest months of the year?! If you’re of the ilk who thinks it’s too expensive, it’s easily worth at least a couple trips to your generic ice cream hut, and if you somehow happen to live in a remote town that Cold Stone hasn’t yet infiltrated, then clearly it’s time to move someplace else … or at least take a road trip! Nothing says summer like a double-chocolate brownie buried under peanut butter-flavored ice cream, topped with whipped cream, caramel sauce, a cherry, and hmmm, why not sprinkle some crushed up Reeses’ Pieces over that monstrosity for good measure while we’re at it?! Most delicious sugar-induced coma ever…
- You must skip out early from work at least once a week during the months of June – August.
Ok, so it may not be the best idea to share this particular rule with the boss and you’ve already got some explaining to do if you’re reading this stuff while you’re supposed to be working! But just as anyone with kids is skipping out early for “soccer games” and “ballet recitals” during the school year, despite the fact that their son is deathly afraid of the soccer ball and they don’t even have a daughter in ballet, it’s a God-given right for the rest of us to duck out of the office early this time of year to partake in such summertime activities as going to the beach and getting loaded on tequila before going to the beach. And the beauty of taking an afternoon off during the summer is that you don’t even really have to come up with an excuse because your boss already decided to take the entire day off so he could go away for the weekend a day early! Just wear the suit under your, well, suit and bask in the glory of taking in the summer heat while your co-workers are all stuck back at the office like the suckers that they are!
- Picnics are no place for diets!
If you haven’t managed to shed that weight you promised yourself at New Years, never fret – you’ve still got a couple of months left before Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas pudding season, but still … let’s try to be realistic at this point! Family picnics in the park or at the beach are the home of barbecue and potato salads and chocolate brownies, and frankly, you’re just bringing the rest of us down with those stupid celery sticks of yours! For one weekend just enjoy yourself, admit your failure thus far, and throw another scoop of baked beans on that plate of yours – it could get chilly tonight!
- That floppy hat doesn’t make you look cool…
Generic exception for cute chicks, but in that case very little credit is still attributed to the hat itself. These monstrosities are still sold each and every year at those tourist traps across the street from the beach, but in all reality, good, old-fashioned sunscreen will help keep the sun off of you just as well, with the added bonus of not having to walk around looking like a complete and total dork in the process.
- It’s weird to do your Christmas shopping in July.
And coming from a strong proponent of S. Claus like myself, I know that this one can be a bit troubling, but there’s a time and place for everything, and as far as Christmas shopping is concerned, summer ain’t it! I don’t care how much you like to think about other people, it’s simply too early to be thinking about buying Christmas presents when you could be focusing on more timely necessities like tanning at the beach or planning out your Christmas light display…
- And finally, it ain’t over ‘til it’s over!
Specifically, that’s Labor Day for those of you playing along at home, so I don’t want to see anybody packing away their swimsuits, I don’t want to see anybody chucking the bikes into storage, and I definitely don’t want to see anybody calling it quits before the fat lady has grilled. You march your un-summery butts right back out there and throw that Frisbee, play some croquet, or just pour yourself a tall shake of sangria and soak it all in. This is summer, so start doing it right!